How Iron Man 3 Should Have Ended
Characters
- Tony Stark/Iron Man
- Pepper Potts
- J.A.R.V.I.S.
- Harley Keener
- Iron Legion
- Aldrich Killian
- Superman
- Batman
- James Rhodes
- Mr. President/Iron Patriot
- Trevor Slattery / the Mandarin
Transcript
We begin with Tony at his basement.
Tony: Okay, JARVIS, I just gave my home address to an international terrorist and challenged him to a fight. I want you cancel all detective work, rendering projects and focus all of our resources on defending my house from attack. Alright?
JARVIS: Very well, sir. Shall I engage The House Party Protocol now then?
Tony: ... Sure, why not.
All of his armours start activating as Savin approaches Tony's house by three helicopters.
Savin: Hm-hm-hm. Hm-hm-hm-hm-. (GAAAAAAASP!)
Iron Legion: TANK MISSILES!!!
Cue title. Cut to Tony talking to Harley.
Tony: So who's bullying you?
Harley: How do you know I get picked on at school?
Tony: Because you hang out with middle-aged guys in garages?
Harley: Oh.
Tony: (handing Harley that flare thingie) Here, kid. Have a weaponized flare to use on bullies or whatever.
Harley: Is this legal?
Tony: (GASP) YOU'RE FREAKIN' ME OUT! (runs off) HUUUUAAAAAAAGUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!
Fast forward to Tony captured by Mandarin.
Tony: You realize this is the exact premise of the Pixar film, Incredibles.
Mandarin: What?! No!
Tony: Yes.
Mandarin: No, it isn't.
Tony: Yes, it is. I met you a long time ago, hurt your feelings, which pushed you over the edge, and now you're a supervillain currently with the upper hand and I'm temporarily trapped. It's totally the same story.
Mandarin: This is not-. First of all, I'm surprised Tony Stark even KNOWS that movie well enough to reference it's storyline, and secondly, what do you mean "temporarily trapped"? Your hands are totally permanently secured in those zip-ties. You're not going anywhere.
Tony: You're Syndrome and I am Mr. Incredible.
Mandarin: This is not the same! I can breathe fire!
Tony: I even have a black friend who helps me fight crime. AND he has a super suit.
Mandarin: Oh my gosh, this is totally The Incredibles.
Fast forward to... The Super Cafe.
Batman: You know what bugs me?
Superman: What?
Batman: When The President is being held hostage in The Iron Patriot suit, the suit is completely useless, but when Rhodey puts it on, it suddenly works completely fine.
Tony: That's what bothers you?
Batman: Yeah, that bugs me.
Tony: Well, you know what bugs me? How you got all the way back to Gotham City after climbing out of that prison on the other side of the planet! Why don't you explain that?
Batman: Why do so many people have a problem with this?! I said "It's because I'm Batman"!
Superman: Can we get back to the story please?
Batman: Fine. Continue.
Fast forward to the climax where Tony and Pepper hug while the Iron Man suits blow up.
Tony: Hey, how come your bra didn't burn in the fire?
Pepper: What?
The Avengers arrive.
Captain America: Tony! The world's in danger! It's time to assemble! We need you!
Hulk: Grrrr, Avengers need Tony. Need suit.
Tony: Oh, you guys are still around. I'm sorry, everyone, I just blew up all of my suits. I'm kind of a changed man now.
Captain America: Why would you blow up all of your suits?
Tony: See, it's sort of metaphorical showing Pepper that she's more important than my mission, and I'm more than just a suit. Plus, it's Christmas.
Thor: (appears via Rainbow Bridge) HUZZAH! I heard your call, my brothers and sister. Let us go forth to victory!
Captain America: Tony just blew up all of his suits.
Thor: Sayeth whaaaaaaaat? Why wouldst thou do this?
Nick Fury: Yeah, Stark is out. He's... he's totally whipped. (notices Pepper glowing because Extremis) But I may have an alternate. Pepper, you're basically like Terminator 2 now.
Captain America: You wanna take Tony's place on this one?
Pepper: Me?
Nick Fury: Yeah, girl! You wanna go save the world?
Pepper: Really? That actually sounds exciting!
Tony: She can't replace me. What's just happened here?
Captain America: She killed The Mandarin.
Tony: With MY tech! Guys, I blew up all of my suits but that doesn't mean I'm not still Iron Man.
Nick Fury: (beat) So you gonna go with us?
Pepper: Okay.
The Avengers and Pepper leave.
Tony: Oh, thanks a lot, guys! Come on! Pepper!
Pepper: I love you, sweetheart!
Tony: She can't replace me! I am Iron Man! You hear me?! I AM IRON MAN!
Captain America: ♪So is JARVIS!♪
Cut back to Present Day in The Super Cafe.
Superman & Batman: O_O
Batman: So are you retired now or what?
Tony: I don't know! Are YOU retired now?!
Superman: Well, I know I'm not retired. (stands up) I'm just getting started. (removes the underpants from his costume and gives them to Batman) Here. Hang on to these for me, will ya?
Batman: What the-?! (knocks them to the ground) Gross!
Superman: I'll be right back. REBOOT! (flies through the ceiling)
(Silence)
Tony: I am Iron Man.
Batman: I'm Batman.
The end.
Cut to Rhodey and Tony meeting Trevor Slattery.
Trevor: So get your Mandarin's Margaine today! You'll never see this sweet, buttery imitation coming.
Rhodey stares in shock.
Tony: I know, it's totally disappointing.
YouTube Outro. JARVIS takes over Iron Man Mark VII to sing. Tony just watches.
JARVIS: ♪I am also Iron Man! Click subscribe, click you like! Follow us on the Facebook and Twitter! Watch some more videos and T-shirts! Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaah...♪ Thank you for watching.