How WandaVision Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with the dinner scene in Episode 1. "Mr. Hart" is choking during the dinner scene.

"Mrs. Hart": Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Then suddenly!

Dr. Strange: (comes in through a portal) Yes! Stop it! Stop all of this Wanda! We all know you're sad, but you can't imprison an entire town.

Mr. Hart collapses.

"Agnes": Well, poop-sicles on a stick! This is no fun!

WandaVision: How It Should Have Ended

Cut to the Episode 2, where we see Wanda backstage with Vision before their magic act. Enjoy Drunk Vision!

Wanda: What is the matter with you?

Vision: It would seeeeeem I ate some cheeeeeewing gummmmmmm earlier with the boysssssss... and noooooow... I'm really drunk.

Cue laugh track.

Wanda: Are you kidding me?! Just reach in there and take it out like you did last episode, you dummy!

Vision: Oh, right!

Vision reaches in his chest and takes the gum out.

Vision: Why thank you, darling!

Fast forward to Episode 3 when Wanda interrogates "Geraldine".

Wanda: Who are you?

"Geraldine": I...

Meanwhile outside, "Agnes" is talking with "Herb" about "Geraldine".

"Herb": She came here because... She uh... she came here because-

"Agnes": Stop it!

"Herb": Because your wife is holding us all HOSTAGE!

"Agnes": NOOOOO!

"Herb": WOMAN, YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME AND I AM TIRED OF THIS!

Vision: MY WIFE HAS DONE WHAT?!?!?!

Fast forward to the beginning of Episode 5 where Wanda is outside the Hex, threatening Monica Rambeau and the rest of S.W.O.R.D. to leave her alone.

Wanda: This will be your only warning! Stay out of my-!

Cue a taser arrow to Wanda's forehead, shocking her to the point of unconsciousness. It is revealed that the person respoisible for this is... Kate Bishop, who is there along with Hawkeye.

Hawkeye: Yeah, that's my girl! Just like in the Ultron days!

Jimmy Woo: Thanks for coming on such short notice, Clint.

Hawkeye: Hey, no problem.

Fast forward to the ending of Episode 5 where Wanda is seeing "her long lost brother" at the front door.

"Pietro": Long-lost bro get to squeeze his stinkin' sister to death or what?

Vision: Wanda. Who is it?

Wanda: It's my... brother.

Vision: Uh... that's not your brother.

"Pietro": Yes I am!

Wanda: Yes it is!

Vision: I'm afraid not, my dear. (shows a picture of the real MCU Pietro) This is your brother. He died. Remember?

Wanda: Oh yeah! You aren't my brother!

"Pietro": Yes I am! Bet you didn't see that coming.

Wanda: DON'T GET PEOPLE'S HOPES UP WITH A CROSSOVER! (closes the door)

Fast forward to the end of Episode 7 where it's revealed that...

Singer: It's been Agatha all along~!

Agatha: And I killed Sparky too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Cue the arrival of...

John Wick: In that case... I'M THINKING I'M BACK!

Agatha: (dodging gunfire) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Fast forward to the final battle in Episode 9. Director Hayward shoots at Wanda's kids, and Monica blocks the bullets, but Billy catches a bullet with his powers.

Monica: Nice tricks!

Billy: I like yours too!

Monica: Hold on a second! Did you just try to straight up murder two unarmed kids?!

Hayward: I, uh...

Monica: What is wrong with you?! Grab this psycho!

Billy grabs Hayward, and Darcy runs him over.

Darcy: Have fun in the hospital!

Cut to a hospital room where we see Hayward is in a full-bodied cast. The nurse from previous HISHE videos glares at him for three seconds... and then hits him with her clipboard.

Hayward: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Fast forward to Scarlet Witch facing off with Agatha Harkness.

Scarlet Witch: I don't need you to tell me who I am.

Agatha stares in brief confusion... until Wanda changes her face into Batman's face.

Scarlet Witch: BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!

Agatha stares in pure terror. Cut to the aftermath.

Scarlet Witch: I wasn't really Batman. I was just doing a really old bit.

Vision: So, it would appear that our dream home has been reduced to a fixer-upper. I know you'll set everything right. Just not for us.

Scarlet Witch: Well, about that, I think I have an idea that will accomplish both.

Cue Friends-styled WandaVision logo, and cut to Wanda having apparently transformed The Super Café into one based on The Central Perk.

Wanda: So now, The Hex just goes wherever I go!

Audience: *applause*

Superman: You didn't get rid of The Hex?

Wanda: Nope! I just made a smaller but also roaming Hex. Now I get to stay with my family, I get to continue enjoying this sitcom thing. Everything is great!

Batman: Hey. How you doin'?

Audience: *laughter*

Wanda: I am DOING just wonderful, thank you for asking.

Audience: *laughter*

Monica: Yeah, but no one else is.

Superman: Yeah, this isn't exactly real and you never learned to grow through your suffering.

Jimmy Woo: And you haven't had to answer for holding an entire town hostage.

Wanda: I think everyone is just having a hard time coming to grips with understanding that I am the boss now.

Audience: *surprised laughter*

Wanda: And whatever I want goes.

Audience: *laughter*

Cue Diana bursting into The Super Cafe.

Wonder Woman: You have to renounce your wish, Barbara- I mean, Wanda!

Audience: *brief laughter*

Wonder Woman: I know how you feel and you cannot just wish your loved ones back from the-

Cue Wanda flinging Diana out of The Super Cafe, making the heroine scream as she's flung out.

Wanda: Oh, I think I can.

Audience: *applause*

Vision: I feel I agree with the group, my dear. Although we get to remain a family, you did leave Agnes trapped in a spell against her will.

Wanda: She killed our dog.

Vision: THAT FLOOZY *CUSS*!!!

Audience: *laughter*

Vision: She got what she deserved!

Audience: *laughter*

Superman: This is so reckless! And I'm pretty sure this moving hex is just mutating random people with special abilities everywhere you go now. Monica came out with superpowers. Does Darcy have powers now?

Batman: Hey. What's up? I see you like technology and coffee. I too have-

Darcy: I'm gonna pass.

Audience: *laughter*

Batman: Verdict's still unclear about Darcy's powers.

Audience: *laughter*

Superman: And let's not forget your boys. That's the most weird part about all of this.

Wanda: The boys are fine! See, they're singing with that nice minstrel over there.

Cut to Billy and Tommy hanging out with the minstrel, who sings to the tune of Smelly Cat. The minstrel is better known to comic fans as...

Mephisto: ♪Children souls♪/♪Children souls♪/♪Give me, give me your children souls♪/♪Children, children souls, give me souls!♪/♪Give me children souls♪/♪Give me your souls right now!♪ Yes. Thank you, for the souls.

Wanda: Everything is fine!

SENOR SCRATCHY MEPHISTO PRODUCTIONS

But this is how it really should have ended...

We see Wanda saying goodbye to the Vision she created, as The Hex begins to dissipate.

Vision: We have said goodbye before, so it stands to reason...

Wanda: (crying) We'll say hello again.

Vision: So long, darling.

The Hex fully dissipates, and so does the house, Vision, Billy, and Tommy, sending Wanda back into the real world. After a brief silence, cue the arrival of...

White Vision: Hello again!

Wanda: *gasp*

The End.

Later, Wanda and White Vision have settled into the log cabin. White Vision wearing a pink shirt and reading the newspaper while Wanda sits beside him. They then get a visit from...

Magneto: I HEARD ABOUT THAT THING YOU DID WITH ALL THE GUNS!

Wanda: What?

Magneto: THAT'S MY GIRL!

Magneto flies away.