How Star Wars The Force Awakens Should Have Ended/Transcript

(The scene begins with a parody of the 20th Century Fox intro with the Lucusfilm logo being replaced with The HISHE logo and Fox's logo also replaced while a person (Presumably Danial) Sings the intro but then the logo falls apart.)

Singer: DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA... Oh were not doing that anymore,sorry. SHH! It's starting.

(HISHE Intro plays followed by the Star Wars titles playing then cuts to a room with Kylo Ren talking to Darth Vader's burnt helmet.)

Kylo Ren: Show me the Dark Side and i will finish what you started... Grandfather.

(Anakin's force ghost appears)

Anakin: (Gasps) I HAVE A GRANDSON TOO?! YODA! OBI-WAN! GUESS WHAT?! I'M A GRANDPA!

(Camera pans over to Obi-Wan and Yoda's force ghosts)

Obi-Wan: Oh my gosh. This is never going to end!

Yoda: (Groans)

Anakin: (Off screen) THIS IS AMAZING!

(Scene cuts to The Battle of Takodona where FN-2199 confronts Finn at Maz's castle.)

FN-2199: Traitor!

(Finn grasps the Lightsaber tightly. FN-2199 realizes that Finn is not force sensitive, looks at his blaster and gets an Idea.)

FN-2199: Huh? Ha ha!

(FN-2199 shoots Finn in the chest causing him to drop to the ground dead)

FN-2199: Yeah! MUHAHAHAHA! ARRGGHH!

(Gets shot by Chewbacca's bowcaster and dies. Scene cuts to the D'Qar base with C3-PO and BB-8 examining an inactive R2-D2.)

BB-8: (Droid Speak)

C3-PO: What do you mean try turning him off and on again? I'm sure they have tried everything to revive him!

(BB-8 rolls up to R2 and uses his claw to turn on R2's ON Button)

R2-D2: (Screams)

C3-PO: Oh! Thank the Maker! R2 we thought you were done for!

(R2-D2 sounds and drives off)

C3-PO: A dramatic entrance! We don't have time for that! We are trying to find Master Luke!

(Leaves and BB-8 follows. Scene cuts to Kylo Ren talking to Supreme Leader Snoke/Gollum on StarKiller Base about Rey's force ability.)

Kylo Ren: She is strong with the force! Untrained, but stronger than she knows!

Snoke/Gollum: Bring me the precious!

Kylo Ren: Yes Supreme Leader. (Leaves but then returns) You are talking about the girl right?

Snoke/Gollum: PRECIOUS!!!

(Scene cuts to Rey using a Jedi Mind trick to JB-007 in a holding cell room.)

Rey: You will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open.

JB-007: I will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open.

(Releases Rey from her Restraints and Walks away)

Rey: And you will escort me to a ship in which i can escape in?

JB-007: And i will escort you to a ship in which you can escape in.

Rey: (Gasps)

(The scene then shows Rey flying away from StarKiller Base in a Tie-Fighter)

Rey: WHAHOHOHOOO!!

(Scene cuts to the Resistance base on D'Qar with the Rebels analyzing the super weapons)

Rebel General: This was the Death Star, this was the 2nd one and this is StarKiller Base.

(Groups of People mutter)

Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!

Leia: (Frustrated sigh) Can be just call it Death Star 3? It's the same exact thing but bigger. I mean seriously! Now, how do we take down the shields?

Finn: I can disable the shields but I have to Be on the Planet.

Han Solo: Wei'll get you there.

Leia: How?

Han Solo: If i told you, you wouldn't like it.

(Scene shows The Millennium Falcon travelling through a light speed tunnel. Then cuts to the main control room with Han, Finn and Chewbacca inside.)

Han Solo: The shields have a fractional refresh rate. Keeps anything traveling from light speed from getting through.

Finn: We're gonna make our landing approach at light speed?!

Chewbacca: (Growls)

Finn: How?! If we pass through the shields AT the speed of light, how can you even have time to drop out of light speed before crashing into the...

Han Solo: And...NOW!

(The Millennium Falcon exits light speed too late and crashes head first onto StarKiller Base's surface. On D'Qar C3-PO, Admiral Ackbar, Leia and a resistance officer watch a holographic projection of StarKiller base with a message saying They died written on it.)

C3-PO: Oh my!

Leia: Well so much for that idea.

(Scene fast forwards to Finn on StarKiller base threatening Captain Phasma with a blaster.)

Finn: Shut the shields down or I'll, blow that bucket off your head!

Captain Phasma: Oh, did you say shut DOWN the shields? I thought you said Alert everyone to your presence!

(Presses button on a console causing an alarm to start ringing and text saying Intruder detected then cuts to Han and Chewbacca in a room.)

Han Solo: Chewie... We're screwed.

Chewbacca: (Growls)

(Scene fast forwards to Kylo Ren and Rey dueling in the forest on StarKiller base)

Kylo Ren: You need a teacher! I can show you the...FORCE FAINT!

(Rey Faints)

Kylo Ren:(Continued) Ha, Ha! Oh in your face! You fell for it again! I win! (To the tune of the Imperial march) NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!

(Picks up Rey's Body and leaves When a text comes up saying But this is how it really should have ended, Then cuts to Han and kylo on the bridge.)

Kylo Ren: I know what i have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?

Han Solo: Anything.

(Han grips Kylo's Lightsaber and hesitates for a few brief seconds but then Luke Skywalker comes up from behind and Rams his lightsaber through Ren's chest.)

Luke: SURPRISE!

Han Solo: BEN!

Kylo Ren: OOOOOHHH! (To Luke) Weak! uuurghhh!

(Falls backwards into the reactor chasm.)

Han Solo: NNNOOOOOOO!!!!! Why?! WHY?! Where did you come from Luke?!

(Luke deactivates his Lightsaber.)

Luke: Got bored on my island. Why didn't you shoot first man?!

Han Solo:(Angrily) He was my boy!

Luke: He was going to kill you!

Han Solo: (Angrily) How do you know that?!

Luke: I always sense when you guys are in danger, it's kinda my thing!

Han Solo:(Sighs) Leia's gonna be pissed!

(End credits then cuts, to Rey and Luke on Ach-To with Rey offering Luke his father's old lightsaber. Luke removes his hood and stares blankly at Rey for a few minutes then breaks the silence.)

Luke: Wow, you're hot!

Rey:(Angrily) What?! Gross! We could be RELATED!

(Luke thinks about this.)

Luke: Never bothered me before.

Rey: Ok then bye! (Throws away the lightsaber and leaves.)

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