How Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Should Have Ended

Transcript
Intro begins with...

Qui-Gon: Ugh! The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now, get out of here.

Jar Jar: No no, mesa stay. Mesa comedy relief. Mesa bring farts and clumsy time.

Qui-Gon: That won't be necessary.

Jar Jar: Oh but it is. Tis demanded by the Gods it is.

Qui-Gon: Very well. (sees a Droid of a speeder and pushes Jar Jar into the line of fire) Oops!

The droid fires at Qui-Gon, who deflects the blaster bolts towards Jar Jar. He then deflects the last shot towards the droid, destroying it. Jar Jar is dead. Obi-Wan appears.

Obi-Wan: Master, what happened? I sensed a great disturbance in The Force, and suddenly millions of voices cried out in relief.

Qui-Gon: Yes, you did, my young apprentice. Yes, you did.

Intro ends. We now begin with Queen Amidalla pleading her case to The Senate.

Queen: The Naboo System has been invaded by the Droid Army of The Trade Federation.

Everyone gasps.

Lott Dod: I object! There is no proof!

Queen: Actually, there is, like, so much proof. (activates surveillance footage) Here is a recording from our ship's camera of The Federation's attempting to kill us during the invasion. And here is a private message from one of my advisors being held in a prison camp. (plays message)

Sio Bibble: The death toll is catastrophic! You must contact me!

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon now appear.

Queen: And also there are a TON of witnesses, two of which are Jedi.

Obi-Wan: I can assure you what the Queen says is true.

Valorum: WELL, HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS! THIS ENDS NOW! SEND REINFORCEMENTS IMMEDIATELY!

Palpatine: Um... Yaaaaaaay...

Cut to Naboo. Darth Maul looks up to face... The entire Jedi Order.

Darth Maul: Aw, dang! (runs for his life)

Cut to the aftermath. Everyone attends Qui-Gon's funeral.

Yoda: Always two, there are. A Master and an apprentice.

Mace: But which was destroyed, the Master or the Apprentice?

Then suddenly...!

Darth Maul: MASTER!

Darth Maul hops in, minus his lower torso.

Darth Maul: Oh, Master, I'm still alive! It's soooooo painful but I'm still here! At last we will reveal ourselves, right?! At last we'll have revenge?!

Palpatine: (nervously) Eeeeeeerrrrrrrr, I don't know this person. (runs off)

Darth Maul: Aw, come on, man!

Obi-Wan: How are you still alive?

Darth Maul: I was saved by a bunch of fans.

Yoda: Hmmm. Convenient, that is.

Everyone is agreeing.

Darth Maul: I know, right?

Silence.

Anakin: What will happen to me now?

Qui-Gon: YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY RUINING MY FUNERAL!!!!

The End.

Or this should have happened...

Cut to Obi-Wan hanging onto his life with Darth Maul standing at the edge, watching.

Darth Maul: It's over, Obi-Wan. I have the high ground.

Obi-Wan concentrates. Qui-Gon's lightsaber rattles.

Darth Maul: (catching on) Don't try it.

Obi-Wan tries it. He pulls himself up with The Force but, once at Maul's level, Maul cuts Obi in half.

Obi-Wan: (falling to his death) I IMMEDIATELY REGRET MY DECISION!!!!!!

YouTube outro. Anakin is standing before The Jedi Council.

Sock Puppet Yoda: Subscribe, you must. Hmmm?

Yoda: Thanks to our guests, you give.

Anakin: Master, did you suddenly look different?

Yoda: Difference leads to Blu-Ray. Blu-Ray leads to 3D. 3D leads to online streaming.

Anakin: What's that got to do with anything?!

Yoda: Get out!