How Star Wars: The Last Jedi Should Have Ended



Coming Soon

TBA

Transcript
We start with Leia in space. She uses The Force to fly towards the door. Poe, Finn, C-3PO, and that other chick, played by Carrie Fisher's daughter in the actual movie, run towards Leia's destination.

Poe: Oh wow, she's floating back all of a sudden! Quick, somebody open the door!

C-3PO: (looking at Leia's palm, which has "Not Penny's Boat" written on it) But, sir!

Poe opens the door... causing him, Finn, C-3PO, and that other chick getting sucked out into space.

C-3PO: Oh my.

Cue title. We begin with Poe flying in front of Hux's Star Destroyer.

BB-8: (in robot beeps) I've got a bad feeling about this.

Poe: Oh no, happy beeps, buddy. Happy beeps. This is Poe Dameron of The Republic Fleet.

Cut to The Star Destroyer's bridge.

Poe: I have an urgent communique for General Hux.

Hux: Destroy that ship.

Poe: Hello?

Bridge Officer: Right away, sir.

Cue a laser blast heading towards Poe.

Poe: Aw, poop! (gets blown up)

Fast forward to the scene where Kylo Ren is about to destroy the bridge of Leia's Starship.

Random Officer: We've got enemy fighters closing in!

Leia senses Kylo Ren, causing Kylo Ren to hesitate destroying the bridge. While that's happening...

Admiral Ackbar: (knowing what's going to happen) Uh... I suddenly have to use the bathroom. (leaves)

The TIE Fighters accompanying Kylo Ren destroy the bridge. Cut to the Chain of Command meeting after Leia is knocked out after that floating in space scene.

Female Officer: The Chain of Command dictates that Admiral Ackbar will take command because senority.

Admiral Ackbar: (standing beside Holdo) Excellent! Hehe. Sorry, Sister.

The Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Fast forward to Rey and Kylo Ren doing that communication thingy for the third time.

Rey: I'd rather not do this right now.

Kylo Ren: (off-screen) Yeah, me too.

Rey then looks to see... Kylo Ren at the toilet in the nude, reading a newspaper!

Rey: OH MY GOSH!

Kylo Ren: A little privacy please!

Rey: (runs off) Eeeww! The image is burned into my brain!

Cut to Snoke's quarters.

Snoke: (knowing he's scared Rey for life) Hehehehehehehehe...

Fast forward to Rose and Finn about to land on Canto Bight

Rose: Okay, we're here. Let's land in the tall grass so we don't get spotted by some Redneck Alien.

Finn: Oh, good idea.

Rose: This is a covert mission. We don't have time to waste rescuing horses or feeling bad for random kids.

Finn: Right.

Rose: No matter how sad it makes us.

Finn: Right.

Rose: Our friends are literally running for their lives. It's all up to us-.

Finn: Alright, I know! I said I get it! Jeez, we're landing in the grass.

They land in the grass.

Fast forward to Chewie about to eat a roasted porg. A live porg squawks, and when Chewie looks up, it looks concerned. He looks back at the roasted porg, then at the live porg, which is giving him puppy dog eyes. He takes a bite of the roasted porg, then offers the live porg a drumstick. The porg perks up, happy.

Fast forward to Snoke talking to Rey.

Snoke: And that, dear child, is my origin story.

Rey: Well, that was kind of the detour to the current situation I'm dealing with but now I understand... Darth Plagueis!

Random text: HE'S DARTH PLAGUEIS, Y'ALL!

Fast forward to Kylo Ren telling Rey about her parents.

Kylo Ren: Your parents were nothing. They were drunkards.

Rey: (beginning to cry)

Kylo Ren: They sold you for drinking money.

Cue the arrival of...

Obi-Wan: I don't seem to remember my granddaughter ever being sold for drinking money.

Kylo Ren: WHAT?! Who are you?

Obi-Wan: I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. This here is my granddaughter.

Rey: (GASP!)

Kylo Ren: That's not true!

Rey: Really?!

Kylo Ren: That's impossible!

Obi-Wan: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Rey: (squees)

Obi-Wan: Now as I was trying to tell you before, these are your first steps and your true parents are- (cue Anakin's Force ghost gasping in excitement) Oh no.

Anakin: YOU'RE A GRANDFATHER, TOO?!

Obi-Wan: (sigh) Not this again, Anakin. Every time.

Anakin: I'M! SO! HAPPY FOR YOU!

Rey: I'm so happy, too!

Anakin: WE'RE BOTH SO HAPPY! LET'S TELL EVERYONE! (turning to Rey) DO YOU WANT TO TELL EVERYONE?!

Rey: Of course!

Obi-Wan: Please don't.

Rey: Ben, did you hear the news?!

Kylo Ren: (looking at Anakin) Is that... my GRANDFATHER?!

Anakin: HI, BEN!

Kylo Ren: GRANDFATHER!

Fast forward to that kamikaze run, only this time instead of Holdo, it's Admiral Ackbar!

Hux: What are they doing?

Random operator: Sir, they're transmitting a message.

Admiral Ackbar: This is Admiral Ackbar of The Republic Fleet with an urgent communique, Commander Hux!

Hux: Good Lord, not this again. What do you want?

Admiral Ackbar (sitting in the command chair of his ship's bridge) Commander Hux, do you know what this is?

Hux: What are you talking about? None of us can see you, Ackbar.

Admiral Ackbar: Do you know what this is?!

Hux: What what is?

Admiral Ackbar: Do you know what it is?! It's a...

Hux: It's a what?

Admiral Ackbar: It's aaaaaaaaaaa...

Hux: What are you doing right now?!

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S! A! (engaging the hyperdrive) TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!

Admiral Ackbar's ship jumps into hyperspace right through Snoke's ship and The First Order's fleet, making the best sacrifice ever. RIP, Admiral. It was undoubtedly a trap.

Random Text: IT'S A TRAP!

Fast forward to Kylo Ren and Rey using the force to get Luke's lightsaber... until Rey does the sensible thing and activates it, cutting off Kylo Ren's hand in the process.

Kylo Ren: D'OOOOOOOWWWWW! Why'd you slice off my hand?!

Fast forward to Finn trying to sacrifice himself to destroy that battering laser ram only for Rose to stop him by flying into him.

Rose: I saved you, dummy.

Finn: WHAT-?! WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO DO?!

Rose: It's not about winning. It's about saving the ones you love.

Cue the laser destroying the door to the base.

Finn: THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO! ACKBAR DID THE EXACT SAME THING EARLIER!

Rose: Let's kiss.

Finn: (pushing her away) WHAT THE-?! NO!

Cut to the cockpit of the walker watching Finn and Rose argue.

Pilot 1: This is just sad.

Pilot 2: Should we let them go?

Pilot 1: Um... No. (blasts Finn and Rose, killing them)

Cut to the rebel base.

Poe: OH DANG, FINN AND ROSE JUST DIED!

Leia: Finn and Who?

Fast forward.

But this is how it really should have ended...

Luke: What did you think was going to happen? That I would take on The First Order with nothing but a laser sword?

Rey: Yes, that's exactly what I thought was going to happen!

Silence for five seconds.

Luke: That actually does sound pretty awesome. Okay, let's do it. This place is dead anyway. But first... Let's get one for the road.

Cut to Luke taking a swig of a thala-siren's milk.

Rey: (off-screen) LET'S GO!

Luke: (walking to wherever Rey is) Alright alright, we can go! (comes back whispering to the thala-siren) I'm gonna miss you the most.

Cut to Rey and Luke facing Kylo Ren's Ship and First Order AT-AT's.

Kylo Ren: I want every gun you have to fire on those two. Do it.

The First Order fires everything they have at Luke and Rey... only for Luke to use The Force to stop the laser bolts in midair like Kylo did in TFA.

Kylo Ren: That's impossible! He's never been seen having that Force Ability before!

Karl The Pilot: Well, we all have seen you do that before so it's not too crazy to think he can do the same-.

Kylo Ren: Shut up, Karl! Nobody asked you!

Luke: Now.

R2-D2 and BB-8 shoot out Rey and Luke's respective lightsabers. Rey and Luke then proceed to bat the laser bolts back at the AT-AT's.

Kylo Ren: (as Rey and Luke do their saving the day move) No! No! Nooooo! Noooooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Rey and Luke destroy all of Kylo Ren's forces, leaving only Ren's ship.

Kylo Ren: Bring me down t-.

Cue Yoda electrocuting the shuttle with Force Lightning.

Kylo Ren: (before his ship slams into the ground) AW, COME ON!

The ship crashes. Our heroes are victorious.

Luke: (turning to Yoda) What is with you and lightning all of a sudden?

Yoda: (laughs to himself)

The End.

After the credits, we cut back to the Chain of Command meeting with Admiral Ackbar.

Admiral Ackbar: Now, as my first act as Commander, I wish to tell everyone the plan. We have a secret base on a nearby planet that we are trying to reach, so nobody freak out or start a mutiny or anything. We actually have a plan to survive.

Poe: (standing beside Holdo) Oh, thank God!