How Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker Should Have Ended

Transcript
Once upon a time, way out in space....

How Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker Should Have Ended

They should have revealed EMPEROR PALPATINE lived at the end of THE LAST JEDI instead of broom boy

Then we could have sat on it for two years and it wouldn't feel like they just dropped him in out of nowhere.

We pan down to Exegol and then to Palpatine's temple where he's confronted by Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren: I killed Snoke. I'll kill you.

Palpatine: My boy, I made Snoke. The might of The Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours if you do as I-.

Kylo Ren: I already have everything I need! I'm Supreme Leader, duh!

Palpatine: [tries to be ominous and spooky] But I will give you NEW ships! Hidden beneath the ice! Mmmm! Complete with RED HELMETS! Oooooooo, red helmets! So scary, makes them so much better!

Kylo Ren stares at Palps, unconvinced.

Palpatine: We also have Death Star laser. Is that? Is that enough?

Kylo Ren then just stabs Palpatine in the heart.

Palpatine: OW!!! COME ON, MAN!!!

Fast Forward.

Our heroes are sinking in quicksand.

Rey: Oh no, we're sinking!

Poe: Yeah, if only one of us could lift heavy objects with their mind!

Rey: [realising he's talking about her] Oh right!

Finn: Rey, I never told you-.

Rey then uses The Force to lift everyone and herself out of the quicksand.

Rey: Force~! You were saying?

Finn: Nothing.

We cut to The Vexis Snake, who is still injured and lonely, guarding the dagger while the music from The Lonely Zombie Song plays in the background.

Vexis Snake: I'm just a lonely space snaaaaaaaaaake...

Fast Forward.

Rey activates her lightsaber as Kylo Ren's TIE Fighter zooms towards her. She turns around and starts running, ready to leap onto the incoming vessel... but Kylo Ren just blasts her to death and zooms past her corpse.

Fast Forward.

Rey and Kylo Ren use The Force to try and get the transport that Chewie is apparently in.

Finn: REY!

Rey: WHAT?!

Finn: IT'S KYLO REN!

Rey: I AM AWARE OF THAT!

Cut to Finn telling Poe.

Finn: Kylo Ren! He's out there with Rey!

Poe: You got a blaster! Do something about it!

Finn: Oh right!

Cue Finn running up and shooting Kylo Ren in the chest multiple times, killing the villain. Our heroes then break into The First Order transport, killing The Stormtroopers.

Rey: Chewie, you're saved! Oh, he's not even here.

Cue another First Order Transport taking off in the distance.

Finn: REY! THEY GOT CHEWIE! IN THE OTHER SHIP!

Rey: [sarcastically] Okay, Finn! Thanks!

Finn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!

Fast Forward.

C-3PO is about to get his memory erased by Babu Frik. He looks at our heroes and Zorii Bliss.

Poe: What, uh, what are you doing there, 3PO?

C-3PO: Taking one last look, Sir, at my friends.

Cue 3PO pulling out a photo album of The Original Trilogy characters

C-3PO: There's R2, Chewbacca, Master Luke, General Organa, and Lando Calrissian.

Poe: What? Not us?

C-3PO: Oh goodness, of course not you! I hardly know you and, most of the time, you're rude to me! If I weren't such a good companion, I would delete that stupid Sith translation right out of my memory banks out of spite! Yes! You know what?! Let's see how you like it! Just you see how far you get without me! I AM C 3 P O, HUMAN CYBORG RELATIONS! PEACE OUT, BANTHAS!

Cue 3PO pulling the wires that Babu Frik implanted in his head, causing 3PO to go offline.

Computer: Translation deleted.

Babu Frik: HEY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

Poe: Well, poodoo.

Fast Forward.

The Resistence, led by Finn and Jannah, board Pryce's Star Destroyer riding Space Horses. Cut to the bridge.

Crewman: Sir, an assault team has landed on our hull!

Pryce: Jam their speeders!

Crewman: They aren't using speeders, Sir! They're using... [dramatically] Space Horses!

Pryce: [confused] Really?

Cut to our heroes on the ship's hull.

Finn: Now this is pod racing!

Cue The Star Destroyer tipping on it's side, causing or heroes to fall to their deaths.

But this is how it really should have ended...

Luke uses The Force to lift his X-Wing Fighter out of the ocean floor of Ahch-To.

Rey: HOLD ON! You can use The Force AND hold a lightsaber after you're dead?!

Luke: Yes, why?

Rey: You are coming with me!

Luke: Hehe... What?

Cut to Exegol. Palpatine has The Sith Spirits rehearse their performance for Rey's arrival.

Palpatine: Okay, let's take it from the top! When they get here, I really want to impress them! So be extra spooky, okay? Really go for it! One and a two and a...

The Sith Spirits do that creepy song from the actual movie, but one Sith Spirit goes in a different direction with the song.

Palpatine: No! Nope! Bryan, stop! Bryan, you're pitchy! It's "Rama ha ha ma ra haaaaaaaa", and you're going "Rama ha ma ha ra haaaaaaaaaaaa"! You see the difference?

Darth Bryan: Hsssss ssss ssss ssss ssss ssss ssss.

Palpatine: Okay, again!

Rey barges in on their rehearsal.

Rey: It's over, Palpatine!

Palpatine: Oh, she's here! Ready? RAAAAAAAAA MA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-! Oh, forget it! You ruined my entrance, Bryan!

Rey: You don't get to just show up at the last second and take back what you already lost!

Palpatine: Oh, I'm afraid I can. If you strike me down, my spirit will be passed on into you! Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa, what a conundrum!

Rey: Oh, I'm not going to strike you down. They are.

Cue the arrival of The Force Ghosts of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, Luke Skywalker, Ahsoka Tano, Luminara Unduli, Anakin Skywalker, Ad Gallia, Kanan Jarrus, Aayla Secura, and Yoda.

Obi-Wan: Hello there!

Mace Windu: Well well well. Sup, Palpatine?

Anakin: You're more shriveled than I expected.

Yoda: Jedi spanking, will you have!

Palpatine: What are they going to do, nag me to death from beyond the grave?

Cue the now redeemed Ben Solo arriving.

Ben Solo: I'm with you too!

Ben uses The Force to fling The Sith Troopers into the giant pit behind everyone.

Ben Solo: Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

Palpatine: I am not concerned about two self proclaimed Jedi and a bunch of ghosts!

Cue Rey pulling everyone's lightsaber out of nowhere with The Force.

Rey: [to Qui-Gon Jinn] You get a lightsaber! [to Mace Windu] And you get a lightsaber! [to Yoda] And you don't need a lightsaber! [to Obi-Wan Kenobi] And you get a lightsaber!

Palpatine: [extremely confused] What is this? How are you doing that?

Rey: I'm using The Force to grab objects from anywhere in the universe. I'm surprised you didn't know that was possible.

Palpatine: Well, that is just stupid! I suppose next you're going to tell me that I can use The Force to heal wounds!

Rey: Oh, you can.

Palpatine: [becoming overjoyed] *gasp* My granddaughter is so powerful!

Unfortunately for Palps, a certain someone who is hugging his son and grandson hears that comment.

Anakin: *GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSP!* YOU HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER?!?!

Palpatine: Oh no! No! You stop it!

Anakin: THIS IS SO EXCITING!!! WE GOTTA TELL EVERYBODY! HEY, SITH SPIRITS!

Palpatine: Ignore him!

Anakin: HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS?! PALPS IS A GRANDPAPPY!!!

Palpatine: Eeeeeeeeh, shut up!

Ahsoka: Palpatine got busy?

Obi-Wan: I don't want to think about it.

Anakin: HEY, SNOKE TORSOS! HEY!

Palpatine: [tries to electrocute everyone] RRRRRRRRR, ENOUGH!!!

Fortunately, Yoda absorbs the lightning into his hand like he did with Dooku's lightning in Attack Of The Clones.

Yoda: Hmmm. Lost their touch, someone has. [laughs to himself]

Palpatine: [really annoyed] This has gotten ridiculous!

Mace Windu: Jedi huddle!

Cue everyone getting into a huddle.

Mace Windu: We'll take him together, one epic beatdown.

Anakin: [pulling a Leeroy Jenkins] No, I'm taking him now!

Obi-Wan: Anakin, no!

Palpatine: [expecting Anakin to strike him down] Yes... [gets grabbed instead] Wait, what are you doing?! Put me down!

Cue Anakin carrying Palpatine over to the giant pit.

Palpatine: Rey, The Jedi are taking over! Sith Spirits, do something! Blasted Bryan!

Anakin: Excute Order Fall And Go Spalt! [tosses Palpatine into the pit]

Palpatine falls to his second death.

Anakin: Yes! Chosen One!

Qui-Gon Jinn: Well, that was anticlimactic.

Suddenly, Palpatine can be heard laughing.

Obi-Wan: Oh, you can't be serious!

Palpatine rises from the pit alive and well, floating before our heroes.

Palpatine: Foolish Jedi! I have died before! I AM THE SITH AND I CANNOT BE DEFEAT-!

Luke, taking a page out of his dad's book, uses The Force via his lightsaber to fling a big object at Palpatine, knocking the Sith Lord out of the air and lying before The Force Ghost of Fallen Jedi.

Luke: Hey, Dad, look what I can do!

Luke flings another big object at Palpatine.

Palpatine: OW!

Luke: I learned it by watching you!

Anakin: THAT'S MY BOY!

Palpatine: [trying to stand back up after getting battered by huge objects] Oh, I'm afraid that my body is still quite operational...

Mace Windu: NOW'S OUR CHANCE! GET HIM!

Everyone except Rey and Ben batter Palpatine to death with their lightsabers.

Mace Windu: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!

Anakin: And stay dead!

Cue Rey and Ben making out, to the confusion of everyone.

Mace Windu: That feel out of nowhere to anyone else?

Long answer, absolutely. Short answer, yes.

The End.

After the credits, we see an old lady approach Rey, who had just buried Luke and Leia's lightsabers at the remains of Owen and Beru's home on Tatooine.

Old Lady: Who are you?

Rey: I'm Rey.

Old Lady: Rey Who?

Cue Rey putting on Sith Robes and activating her double-edged lightsaber based on Pong Krell's design, to the surprise and terrorof the old lady, Ghost Luke, and Ghost Leia.

Dark Side Rey: ReyVENGE OF THE SITH!

Old Lady: Oh dear!

Dark Side Rey: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BOW BEFORE YOUR EMPRESS! DARK SIDE!

We then cut to The Villain Pub, where this is Palpatine telling how the movie ended to Zod, Loki, Voldemort, and Joker.

Palpatine: And that is what happened.

Everyone looks at the barkeep in complete confusion.

Voldemort: No, it isn't.

Zod: Yeah, you exploded yourself with lightning.

Palpatine: No I... No I didn't!

Joker: I'm pretty sure you did.

Palpatine: Nope! My spirit is now one with my granddaughter!

Brief silence.

Loki: He's in denial, isn't he?

Palpatine: [running away] EVERYONE GET OUT!