How Captain America Should Have Returned The Stones

Transcript
We open with Cap being sent back in time to return The Infinity Stones and Mjolnir to their respective time periods.

Prof. Hulk: Remember, you have to return the stones to the exact moment we got them.

Captain America: Clip all the branches. Don't worry.

Prof. Hulk: Three, two, one, zap.

Hulk presses a button and Steve goes back in time. Cue title.

How Captain America Should Have Returned The Stones

Prof. Hulk: Returning in three, two-.

Captain America: [returning before Hulk says one] I forgot the sceptre!

Prof. Hulk: What?

Captain America: Loki's sceptre, for The Mind Stone. Did you just want me to throw the stone on the ground?

Prof. Hulk: No, give him The Sceptre!

Falcon: [handing Steve The Sceptre] Here you go.

Captain America: Okay, let's do this!

Prof. Hulk: Three, two, one!

Cap goes back to 2012 just after he beat his 2012 counterpart in a fight, who is still unconscious.

Captain America: [looks at his counterpart's ass] Mm-hm. [tosses The Sceptre beside his counterpart]

We cut to Prof. Hulk getting The Time Stone from The Ancient One.

2012 Ancient One: Here you go.

Prof. Hulk: Thanks, Ancient One!

Captain America: [appears after Hulk leaves, and hands over The Time Stone] And here you go.

2012 Ancient One: That was fast. Thank you.

Captain America: You know it! I bet they're all gonna be this easy from now on!

Cap goes back to 1970 to return The Space Stone... only to find out he needs The Tesseract to his dismay.

Captain America: *sigh* Really?

We cut to 2023 as Cap returns.

Captain America: I need a Tesseract, you guys!

Prof. Hulk: Aw, come on!

We cut back to 1970 where Cap returns The Tesseract, which is being held together by a couple of plasters and tape.

Captain America: That'll have to do.

1970 Guard: Hey, you!

Captain America: Uh oh!

We cut to 2014 where Star Lord regains his consciousness after War Machine whacked him on the forehead, which has a huge bump as a result.

2014 Star Lord: Ughhh... what happened?

Cap whacks him on the back of the head with Mjolnir. I'm pretty sure Quill has a concussion now. Cap prepares to return The Power Stone, which nearly burns him every time he touches it. We cut to Cap returning to 2023.

Captain America: I can't touch The Power Stone, you guys!

Prof. Hulk: [holding The Orb] Oh, that's because it's supposed to go in this ball thingy.

Captain America: [annoyed] "The ball thingy"?

Prof. Hulk: Yeah, the ball thingy!

Captain America: Well, thanks for letting me know about that now!

Cap returns to 2014 to return The Orb.

Captain America: Okay, now we just gotta put you right back in the- [proceeds to burn his hand in The Orb's containment field] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

We cut to Cap returning to 2023, really pissed.

Captain America: Is there anything ELSE I need to know or take with me on this mission FROM HADES?!?!

Prof. Hulk: Nope.

Falcon raises a finger.

Prof. Hulk: Oh wait, yes! You gotta inject Thor's girlfriend!

Captain America: [confused] What?

Prof. Hulk: Threetwoone, zap!

We cut to 2013... where Cap tries to inject The Reality Stone into Jane.

2013 Jane: GET AWAY FROM ME!

Captain America: I'm really sorry! I just need to put this in you!

2013 Jane: THOR!!!

Suddenly, Cap gets dragged in the air by Mjolnir.

Captain America: [holding on to Mjolnir as it zooms across Asgard] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUH!!!

Mjolnir returns to 2013 Thor's hand. 2013 Thor looks at Cap.

Captain America: Oh hey, Thor.

2013 Thor: Loki, what tricks are you up to now?

We cut to 2023 where Cap returns, even more pissed off.

Captain America: YOU GUYS! I really think we should have discussed this before everyone left!

Prof. Hulk: You've only got one more left, man. It's fine, you can do this.

Cap travels to 2014 Vormir to return The Soul Stone and is greeted by...

2014 Red Skull: Steven Rogers, son of Sarah.

Captain America: RED SKULL?!?! SON OF A- [gets whacked by his own shield before he could swear] BAAAAAAGGHHHH!

Cap's shield returns to the hands of...

Deadpool: Uh uh uh! Language, Captain!

Captain America: What?! Really? You're here too?

Deadpool: What, did you think you were the only one with a magical time wristband thingy? That is adorable. That is so you. Plus, didn't you hear about the Fox/Disney merger? We're all gonna be one big happy family soon. Like brothers.

Captain America: [finally fed up] Ugh! That's it. I'm done. [tosses the stone at Red Skull] Here's your stupid death stone! [taking his shield from Deadpool] I'm going back to my girlfriend!

Deadpool: That's right! [to the audience] He really should. Go to her! Go to her, you sexy man! Go to her and never look back!

Captain America: [to spite Deadpool for using his shield] And I'm keeping this!

Deadpool: *gasp* Give it!

Captain America: [traveling to 1940s] WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!

We cut to Peggy's house in the 1940s. Steve rings the doorbell.

1940s Peggy: Steve?!

Captain America: [tired] Hey, I'm back.

The End.

Trivia

 * When taking his shield back from Deadpool, Captain America's exchange about keeping the shield is a call-back to How Captain America: The Winter Soldier Should Have Ended.