How Avengers: Endgame Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with Steve in Peggy's office, watching her. He's about to leave but...

Steve: [jumping through the window and tackling Peggy] Captain Ball!

Peggy: Oh my gosh! Steve?!

They kiss for a few seconds.

Peggy: What are you doing here?!

Steve: I made out with your niece in the future! I'm really sorry!

Peggy: WHAT?!

Cue MCU-inspired HISHE logo... which gets destroyed by the rat that saved the universe.

Creator: Nonononono! Not again! Aw c'mon, man! Right when the camera went by! What are the odds?!

We cut to Nebula, who's about to be captured by Thanos, in her ship.

Nebula: [trying to contact Nat and Clint] He knows! Thanos knows!

Her ship is then being lifted into Thanos' ship via tractor beam.

Nebula: Oh no, I'm being captured. If only I had a device that would allow me to escape back to my own time. [remembers her time travel wrist device] Oh, right.

Nebula activates it and returns to 2023. We cut to Thanos' ship.

Chitauri: OH MY GOSH, THANOS, THE OTHER NEBULA HAS ESCAPED!

Thanos: You guys!!!

Squidward: Whoopsies!

We fast forward to Clint and Nat fighting over who should sacrifice themselves for The Soul Stone.

Black Widow: I'm gonna do it! Let me die!

Ronin: No, I should be the one to go! Let me!

Black Widow: You have kids!

Ronin: You are way more attractive!

Black Widow: I never get to do anything important! Let me jump!

Red Skull: Guys.

Ronin: No! Let me!

Red Skull: Guys!

The two heroes look at Cap's old adversary.

Red Skull: I grow weary of listening to your argument. Actually, I grow weary of pretty much everything about this whole place. I have been here so many years. I am bored out of my mind. I will jump. I shall give you the stone.

Ronin: Really?

Red Skull: Yes, I will do it.

Ronin: Wow.

Black Widow: Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I love you!

Red Skull: That is all I needed to hear! [jumps to his demise] FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

We cut to black. We fade back to reveal The Soul Stone in Nat's hand.

Ronin: Well alright then.

We fast forward to after Hulk causing The Second Snappening, and Ant-Man sees birds in the trees.

Ant-Man: Guys, I think it worked.

Cue The Avengers Facility being bombarded by missiles from Thanos' ship, which we cut to the bridge of.

Thanos: Are they dead?

Squidward: No, Mighty Thanos, sensors indicate zero casualties.

Thanos: REALLY?!?! WHAT THE FARTS, YOU GUYS! What kind of missiles are we using here?! Shoot them again and do it right this time!

Squidward: Yes, my liege.

Cue our heroes being bombarded with missiles again, only they die this time. Cut to a graveyard.

War Machine's Tombstone: Not Terrence Howard.

Ant-Man's Tombstone: Here lies the owner of an ugly van.

Ronin's Tombstone: Robin Hood but goth.

Rocket's Tombstone: Someone's pet raccoon liked to play dress up.

Captain America's Tombstone: Some guy with a patriotic shield.

Iron Man's Tombstone: A man with a fat wallet and a light attached to his chest.

Thor's Tombstone: A fat slob.

Professor Hulk's Tombstone: A green person apparently died burning his arm.

We fast forward to Steve, Tony, and Thor confronting Thanos.

Captain America: He's just sitting there.

Iron Man: And he doesn't have any Infinity Stones.

Thor: [summons Mjolnir and Stormbreaker] Let's kill him properly this time.

Thanos: You could not live with your own failure. Where did that bring you? Back to me. I thought by eliminating half of life-.

Thor: You talk too much! [throws Mjolnir]

Thanos: What? [gets hit and trapped under Mjolnir] OOF!

Thor: Not worthy!

Thanos: Get this hammer off me!

Tony and Steve proceed to kick Thanos repeatedly

Iron Man: [simultaneously with Cap] Get him! Get him in the ribs! Smear The Titan! Let's go!

Captain America: [simultaneously with Tony] Ha! You like that! Where's your Chitauri now?!

Thor: [decapitating Thanos with Stormbreaker] Chop!

We fast forward to my favourite scene in the entire movie. All of our heroes and their resurrected allies face Thanos and his army.

Thanos: We get it. You have a lot of heroes.

Captain America: [summons Mjolnir] AVENGERS! Assemb-. [Wong walks in front of him] What?

Wong: Excuse me. One second, Mr. Captain. *ahem* Mirror Dimension!

Wong sends Thanos' army to The Mirror Dimension.

Thanos: Aw, c'mon.

Wong: [opens a portal beneath Thanos] Sling ring... and cut! [closes the portal once it reaches Thanos' neck] Yes! Wong!

We fast forward to Wanda confronting Thanos over the death of Vision in Infinity War.

Scarlet Witch: You. Took. Everything from me!

Thanos: I don't even know who y-! [gets flattened by Wanda using her powers, becoming the first Titan Pizza]

We fast forward to Spider-Man giving Captain Marvel The Iron Gauntlet.

Spider-Man: I don't know how you're gonna to get through all of that.

We see Thanos' army approaching.

Captain Marvel: Honey, I just blew up his entire ship all by myself.

Scarlet Witch: Don't worry

Okoye: She's got help.

Cue all of the lady heroes appearing. Man, that scene in the movie was A-Forced.

Rescue and Wasp: Okay, ladies, now let's get in forma-!

Carol, ignoring her fellow lady heroes, takes out the entire army with one single beam blast. Everyone glares at Carol.

Captain Marvel: Oh sorry, I don't really need your help but thanks, girls! [flies off] You all look great! Call me!

We fast forward to Thanos about to snap his fingers in front of Iron Man.

Thanos: I am inevitable.

Thanos is about to snap his fingers when he's interrupted by...

Groot: I am Groot.

Thanos: [triggered] I am inevitable!

Groot: I am Groot!

Thanos: I am inevitable!

Groot: I am Groot!

Thanos: I AM INEVITABLE!

Groot: I AM GROOT!

Batman: [appearing out of nowhere in front of Tony] AND IIIIIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMMMMMMM BATMAN! AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW, SNAP!

Batman snaps his fingers, making Thanos pop out of existence. How?

Batman: Because I'm Batman.

We fast forward to Old Man Rogers giving his shield to Falcon.

Old Man Rogers: How's it feel?

Sam: Like it belongs to someone else.

Old Man Rogers: [smiling] It doesn't.

Sam: Thank you.

Old Man Rogers: There's just one more thing.

Sam: What's that?

Old Man Rogers: ♪Soooooooooooooooooooooooo! Unless you're a plane or a bomb or some ice!♪

Sam: Oh no!

Old Man Rogers: ♪Or a brainwashed buddy or Spider-Maaaaaaaaan!♪ *Captain Breath* ♪Or Tony Stark or a version of yourself!♪

Sam: Oh, he's still going!

Old Man Rogers: ♪Or just plain Thanooooooooooos!♪ *Captain Breath*

Sam: Please stop.

Old Man Rogers: ♪Then you don't necessarily have toooo yiiiiieeeeeeeeeellllllld!♪ Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sam: Are you done?

Old Man Rogers: I could do this all day.

But this is how it really should have ended...

We see Tony dying after The Third Snappening. Pepper is beside him.

Rescue: Tony, it's okay. You can rest now.

Tony dies in peace, knowing that he's saved the people of the universe and those that he cared about.

Spider-Man: Can't somebody do something?! Is there a doctor in the house?!

Wong: If only there was a device that could reverse things that are damaged...

Wong, Professor Hulk, and Shuri glare at Strange.

Doctor Strange: [knowing what they mean] Uuuggggghhhhhh! Okay, fine.

Strange puts on The Iron Gauntlet and uses The Time Stone to resurrect Tony.

Tony: [slightly peeved] You just wanted to see me die, didn't you?!

Doctor Strange: [slyly] Hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm, I'll never tell.

We cut to later in The Super Cafe.

MCU Heroes: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

Thor: Huzzah!

Everyone gets crushed by the box office money Endgame currently made.

Batman: *sigh*

Superman: So you used time travel to save The Earth and someone special who died.

Iron Man: Yep, and Cap put the stones back and we all lived happily ever after!

Ronin: Well, everyone except Natasha. She still died for The Soul Stone.

Iron Man: Oh yeah.

Old Man Rogers: That's true.

Star-Lord: Who's Natasha?

Drax: I'll do you one better! Why is Natasha?!

Mantis: Ssh!

Spider-Man: There's gotta be a way to save her, right?

Ronin: Nope, she's gone forever.

Black Panther: That seems stupid.

Shuri: You have a time machine!

Ant-Man: I mean yeah! Guys, we can just go back in time before Natasha died and then bring her here!

Captain Marvel: We can do that?

Rocket: Apparently!

Ronin: Well, what are we waiting for?!

Before The Time Heist...

We cut to when The Avengers are about to go on The Time Heist.

Black Widow: See you in a minute.

Old Man Rogers and Ronin appear beside Nat.

Ronin: WAIT! You uh... You don't make it.

Black Widow: Huh?

Ronin: Yeah, you um... You die.

Old Man Rogers: Yeah, so come with us.

Black Widow: Ooooookay?

All three of them return to the future, leaving the past versions of Cap, Tony, and Nebula confused.

Past Tony: What just happened?

We cut back to The Super Cafe.

Ronin: Now Black Widow lives!

MCU Heroes: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

Everyone gets crushed by the box office money Endgame currently made.

Batman: *sigh* I think the consequences of messing with the fabrics of time are getting really loose here.

Superman: Yeah, doesn't bringing her back before she died for The Soul Stone mean nobody got The Soul Stone in the first-?

MCU Heroes: THAT'S NOT HOW TIME TRAVEL WORKS!

Professor Hulk: You dum dum.

Superman: Oh, okay, well that clears up everything. Thanks.

Ant-Man: Hey wait, what about Old Man Rogers?

Spider-Man: Cap is still old!

Old Man Rogers: Yes. Yes, I believe I am.

Professor Hulk: We can fix that too!

Spider-Man: We can?

Iron Man: Of course we can!

Superman: I'd rather ask Cap some questions about him sitting back and letting history play out exactly the same way.

Batman: Or did he go to another dimension?

Superman: So many questions!

Spider-Man: No, let's make him young again!

MCU Heroes: YAAAAAAYYYY!!!

Before The Time Heist...

We cut to before Hulk uses The Quantum Tunnel on Ant-Man. Professor Hulk takes the controls.

Professor Hulk: Okay, here we go!

Hulk uses The Quantum Tunnel to turn Old Man Rogers back into his younger self.

Captain America: Wow, I think you just invented immortality.

Professor Hulk: [to The Past Avengers] TIME TRAVEL!

Prof. Hulk and Cap return to the present. We cut back to The Super Cafe.

MCU Heroes: EVERYBODY LIVES! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

Mantis: Marvel Movies!

Everyone gets crushed by the box office money Endgame currently made.

Batman: *sigh*

Professor Hulk: Shawarma!

How Endgame Should Have Ended

After the credits, we cut to the scene where Cap meets his 2012 incarnation. They both show off their asses while they point at each other, reenacting the post credits scene of Into The Spider-Verse.

2012 Cap: You're Loki!

Captain America: No I'm not! I'm you from the future!

2012 Cap: You're pointing at my butt!

Captain America: I'm not pointing at your butt! You're pointing at my butt!

2012 Cap: Stop pointing at my butt!

Captain America: It's rude to point!

2012 Cap: It's even ruder to point at butts!

The end.