How SOLO A Star Wars Story Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with Han joining The Empire Academy.

Han: I'm gonna be a pilot. Best in the galaxy.

Imperial Officer: Your name?

Han: It's Han.

Imperial Officer: Last name?

Han: I don't have a last name.

Imperial Officer: Who are your people then?

Han: I really don't have a people. I just grew up with this slimey snake monster lady.

Imperial Officer: Ooookay! Then it's Han Slimey Snake Monster Lady!

Slimy Snake Monster Lady: A HISHE Story

Han: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! I'm not gonna let some random person I've never met choose my name for me. My name is Han Solo! That's right! I named myself! Not you! Me!

Imperial Officer: Well, alright! You could've just said something the first time. You don't have to be all grumpy about it!

Solo: A HISHE Story

We then get to the part where Qi'ra kills JARVIS- Errrr, Dryden Vos

Dryden Vos: I'm stabbed. (dies)

Han: Okay. Looks like we're in the clear. Dryden Vos is dead and we're free! Come on! Let's get out of here!

Qi'ra: You uh... you go ahead. I, I have some... things I need to do first. I'll catch up.

Han: No, it's okay. I'll wait.

Qi'ra: No go ahead!

Han: (sitting on Dryden's couch) Actually. I think I'm just gonna rest here and wait for you.

Qi'ra: Wait here? No! You can go really! I'll be right behind you! Go on! Shoo!

Han: Nah, it's fine. I don't mind waiting. Plus... (Yawns) I just got REALLY fatigued all of the sudden.

Qi'ra: Fatigued? What's wrong?

Han: I don't know, I just feel fatigued! All these Wars in the Stars... It's like it never ends, y'know? We get chased by TIE Fighters, we shoot our blasters, we travel to at least three planets with different atmosphere settings. I'm just tired.

Qi'ra: Do you think we rushed the heist too early? Should we have waited til winter?

Han: I mean maybe! I think it's more about the final pay off. I mean, is any of this even important?

Qi'ra: This?

Han: I mean what's going on here? Where is this going? Like are we a thing? What's happening here? This isn't gonna last, right? Because, let's be honest, I'm thinking it won't.

Qi'ra: Can we talk about this later? Just go meet up with Chewie. I'll be right behind you.

Han: No you won't! You'll just dump me, making me slow to rust the next girl that comes my way, or you'll have a baby with or without me and I'll never know because you never tell me anything!

Suddenly, a hologram of Maul appears.

Maul: Um Helloooooooo! Qi'ra! I'm waiting for you!

Han: Who the heck is this guy?!

Maul: It is I, Maul! (beat) You probably didn't recognize me because of the metal legs.

Qi'ra: He's no one! Don't worry about it!

Han: Well, you're just a full of secrets aren't you?! Who's this, your boyfriend?!

Maul: Maybe she's my apprentice. Maybe she isn't! You don't know? It's a mystery!

Han: Back off, Tiny Antlers!

Maul stares in shock after being called that. Then Beckett and Chewie walk in.

Beckett: Hey, guys, could we hurry this up? Chewie and I are getting bored at the-. (gets shot by Han because Han Shot First)

Han: We're kind of in the middle of something, Chewie. Just give us a minute.

Chewie: Rawwwwwr.

Lando arrives.

Lando: Hello, what have we here?

Qi'ra: Lando! Did you have a change of heart?

Lando: Not really, I just thought now would be a good time to drop my new hit music video.

♪This is the Falcon It made the Kessel Run Lando Calrissian Don't try to steal it, Han Whoop!♪

Han: Oh great! Now Lando's stealing the scene! What is happening?! This whole thing is just weird!

???: Perhaps I can be some of assistance!

Replacement Director Ron Howard arrives.

Ron Howard: Hi. I'm Ron Howard. I'll be directing from here on out. I'll take care of everything.

Han: Ooookay?

Ron Howard: (off-screen) Okay, stand by people! Kill the lights!

Every light in the room is turned off.

Ron Howard: (off-screen) Camera! And... Action!

Han: (Groans) Now I can't see anything! That's it! I quit. I don't need this! Come on, Chewie. Let's go find a cantina! (leaves)

Chewie: (follows Han) Rawr.

The End.