How Spider-Man 2 Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with Spider-Man hanging onto a billboard showcasing Mary Jane's new play before swinging off narrating and delivering pizza.

Spider-Man: That's Mary Jane Watson. Boy, do I love her. I want to tell her that but she can never know how I feel. If anyone ever found out I'm Spider-Man, she'd be in real danger. So I have to protect her because, y'know, responsibility. But I sure do love her, but no one can ever know that I'm Spider-Man.

Cue Spider-Man leaping into the janitor's closet, changing into his civvies, and emerging with the now messed-up pizza to hand over to the stunned receptionist.

Peter: Pizza time!

Receptionist: OH MY GOSH, ARE YOU SPIDER-MAN?!?!

Peter: ... S***!

How Spider-Man 2 Should Have Ended

We cut to Peter being surprised by MJ, Harry and Aunt May.

Mary Jane, Harry, and Aunt May: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Peter: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?! It's my birthday?! I totally forgot!

Mary Jane: Who forgets their birthday?

Peter: I do. I'm forgetful. I'm a forgetful genius. So what are you doing here?

Harry: [confused as hell] We're... We're here to celebrate your birthday.

Peter: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY?! [claps his hands and squees with delight]

... *looks at most of my watchers* You SURE this is the best version of Spider-Man and not just getting your opinion confused with the real best Spider-Man aka Josh Keaton?

Fast forward. Otto is about to begin his fusion experiment thingy.

Dr. Otto Octavius: Ladies and Gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.

Cue the return of...

Scientist 3: Here's a bright idea! Why don't you ask all these people not wearing safety goggles to step back to a safer distance before you just turn on a tiny sunball for the first time with never before tested robot arms?

Dr. Otto Octavius: ... Ugh, fine!

A few minutes later, and everyone, and Otto's wife, has been moved onto the rooftop of a building across the street. Otto looks out his window to his lab.

Dr. Otto Octavius: Okay, is that safe enough for you?! Here we go in three, two, one!

Cue the experiment going wrong with only Otto getting injured in the process. Everyone starts gasping in shock.

Rosie Octavius: One of us might've died!!!

Fast forward. Peter talks to Uncle Ben, while doing what this version of Peter does best. Two guesses what that is.

Peter: [crying and whining] But I want to date girls, Uncle Ben! It's not fair! MJ flirts with me, the landlord's daughter likes me, and Betty Brant! I don't wanna be Spider-Man!

Uncle Ben: You can't have a girlfriend, Peter. You gotta just be Spider-Man.

Peter: [crying and whining intensifies] WAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA IT'S NOT FAIR! I LIKE GIRLS! THEY'RE SO PRETTY! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Fast forward. Peter walks along as the raindrop song plays in the background. He then freezes... just outside the window of The Super Cafe.

Superman: What the heck is that?

Batman: Peter Parker just freeze framed after doing a dorky walk outside our window.

Superman: Why?

Batman: I'm not sure. It looks like he's waiting for a transition.

Superman: Are you waiting for a transition?

Peter: Yeah.

Batman: Poor guy.

Superman: I really hope this dorky strut thing doesn't become a thing for him.

Fast forward to the funniest part of the video.

Peter: Punch me I bleed.

Mary Jane proceeds to punch Peter right on the nose, causing him to resume his intensified crying. Sigh, it's the little things in life.

Fast forward. It's the cafe scene with MJ.

Mary Jane: Do you love me?

Peter: I don't. *GASP!* SPIDEY SENSE! LOOK OUT!

Peter grabs MJ and they duck... but nothing happens. They look out to see the car that was flung at them is frozen in ice.

Peter: Whoa! What the-?

Iceman: [sliding by] Kiss her, you dummy!

Dr. Octopus: What's happening?! Who stopped that car I threw at that kid that I was trying to talk to?!

Firestar: Just a couple of amazing friends of Spider-Man!

Firestar proceeds to burn Doc Ock to death.

Fast forward. Peter, unmasked, tries to stop the train before it crashes into The Hudson River until he's surprised by the return of Dr. Octopus.

Dr. Octopus: Hey, I know you!

Peter: I thought you left!

Dr. Octopus: Well I was gonna let you stop this train and then catch you right after, but then I thought now's good!

Doc Ock proceeds to knock Peter out and take off with him. Silence fills the train.

Conductor: Anybody got any other bright ideas?!

Emerging from the crowd is none other than...

Scientist 3: Here's a bright idea! [puts on a jetpack and flies off] EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!

Everyone on the train scream as it crashes into The Hudson.

Fast forward. Harry prepares to kill Peter with a dagger.

Harry: You killed my father! Prepare to die!

Peter: Dude, your dad was The Green Goblin! He died trying to kill me!

Harry: LIAR!!!

Bernard: [emerging from the shadows] It's true! I can't let this go unsaid any longer. Harry, I never wanted to have to tell you this because I was afraid it would hurt you too much. There's no question your father died by his own hands.

Harry: You are so fired.

Bernard: What?

Harry: I'm just kiddin'! Thank you so much for telling me! [hugs Peter] I was about to kill my best friend, Dude!

Fast forward. Doc Ock's tentacle grabs Peter by the neck.

Peter: These things have turned you into something you're not.

Dr. Octopus: [trying to assert control over his arms] Listen to me now. Listen to me, now!!!

Cue the tentacle snapping Peter's neck, killing the guy. Doc Ock looks in horror. We cut to later in The Villain Pub. Doc Ock's tentacles proceed to annoy the other patrons (Lord Farquaad, Dr. Evil, Ursula from The Little Mermaid, Jack Nicholson Joker, Skeletor, and Palpatine).

Dr. Octopus: They didn't listen. Turns out my arms are really really mean.

Dr. Evil: I think you mean evil.

Skeletor: And annoying!

Cue a tentacle ramming Farquaad into the ceiling.

Fast forward.

But this is how it really should have ended...

Peter points at Doc Ock's nuclear sun experiment thingy.

Peter: Look at what's happening! We must destroy it!

Dr Octopus: The river. Drown it!

Peter is about to do something about it, but Doc Ock stops him.

Dr. Octopus: I'll do it.

Peter: [raising an eyebrow] You mean you want me to move out of the way so you can do something that will make you kill yourself?

Dr. Octopus: What? Why would I do that?

Peter: Because you know my identity now and it creates a huge problem for me if you stay alive after this point. It's this whole thing I have to deal with every day.

Dr. Octopus: What are you talking about? No! It's because I have these robot arms! What are you gonna do, spray webs at it? You go save your girlfriend and keep me from sinking!

Peter: MJ'S STILL HERE?!

Mary Jane: YES!!!

Peter: Oh, okay.

Peter pulls her over to him with a webline.

Mary Jane: YOU'RE SPIDER-MAN?!

Peter: Hehe... Hey.

Cue a huge part of the lab crashing beside them.

Peter: Whoa. That looked heavy.

Dr. Octopus: OKAY, I'M READY! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Peter fires a webline and swings off with MJ and Otto as the lab sinks into the river. NOW THE RIVER IS RADIOACTIVE! THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!

Peter: WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!

Dr. Octopus: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Cut to later. MJ and Peter stay on a web on top of a crane as Otto leaves to turn himself in to the authorities.

Dr. Octopus: Thanks, Peter!

Peter: No prob, Doc! Now you gotta promise you're not gonna tell anyone who I am! Right?!

Dr. Octopus: I won't!

Peter: And you're gonna turn yourself in for all the bad things you did?!

Dr. Octopus: Uh... sure! If that's what you wanna hear.

Otto leaves.

Peter: Okay, see ya!

Peter, who has his mask back on, proceeds to make out with Mary Jane... just as her fiance arrives.

John Jameson: MJ, I have come to rescue you! It's me, your fiance! Why are you making out with Spider-Man?! WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT WITH SPIDER-MAN?!?!

Cut to later in The Daily Bugle. Jameson shows off the latest headline on the front page called "SPIDER-MAN RUINS WEDDING!", with John's reaction as the main image

J. Jonah Jameson: SPIDER-MAN RUINS WEDDING! This guy just gets worse every day! First he wreaks havoc on New York City, then sets Doc Ock free, Now he's stolen my son's fiance! Which actually ended up saving me a lot of money, but HE'S A MENACE! A MENACE I TELL YA!!! Isn't that right, Peter?!

Peter is covered in kiss marks as he does that Emo Peter smile meme face that was NEVER in that movie.

Peter: [bashful as hell] Oh yeah, he's the worst.

The End.

We cut to the aftermath of the nightmare fuel hospital scene (don't lie, you had nightmares about that scene too). Octavius looks at the carnage his arms have caused and says...

Dr. Otto Octavius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Cue the arrival of...

Darth Vader: Ooh, that's a good line. I'm gonna use that.

Dr. Otto Octavius: Please don't.

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!