How Spider-Man Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with the lady scientist explaining the super spiders created in the research facility.

Lady Scientist: We've combined the genetic information from all three spiders into these fifteen genetically designed super spiders.

Mary Jane looks into an empty container.

Mary Jane: There's fourteen.

Lady Scientist: I beg your pardon.

Mary Jane: One's missing.

Lady Scientist: Huh. I guess the researchers are working on that one.

???: Here's a bright idea!

Cue the arrival of our lord and saviour, Smart Scientist/Scientist 3 from the previous Spider-Man HISHE videos.

Scientist 3: Why don't we make sure and locate this extremely important genetically altered super spider instead of just assuming someone else has got it taken care of while we walk a bunch of unprofessional teenagers through this insanely expensive research facility! Hmm?

Lady Scientist: Ugh, fine!

Peter looks up above him and spots the spider slowly heading towards him.

Peter: There it is! Giant web towards the ceiling and everything.

Lab Assistant: Oh, you really saved us.

The assistant traps the spider in a container while another scientist praises our lord and saviour.

Guy Scientist: Great job, New Guy. You keep that up, you're really going to go places.

How Spider-Man Should Have Ended

We cut to Peter getting cheated out of his winnings from his match with Bonesaw McGraw.

Peter: I need that money.

Wrestling Manager: I missed the part where that's my problem!

Peter, triggered, looks at the money and the manager as tension rises. We cut to Uncle Ben waiting for Peter at the library in his car.

Uncle Ben: Hey, Peter, how was the-?

Cue Peter getting into the car with all of the money in his hands and stashed into his jumper.

Peter: NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! FLOOR IT, UNCLE BEN!

Uncle Ben: What the heck?! Peter, did you steal some money?!

Peter: NO, UNCLE BEN, I EARNED IT! JUST DRIVE! DRIVE!

Uncle Ben: Now, Peter, we need to talk about...

Cue the manager, a guard, and Dennis Carradine arriving after following Peter.

Wrestling Manager: YOU LITTLE PUNK! GET BACK HERE! SHOOT THAT GUY!

Carradine shoots the back window of Uncle Ben's car, convincing the elderly man to start driving.

Uncle Ben: All right, here we go!

The car zooms on down the street. We cut to The Super Cafe. Superman watches the current chase in progress as Uncle Ben's car drives by the window and their Parkers' pursuers run past the window.

Peter: GO GO GO!

Wrestling Manager: I'LL KILL YOU!

Security Guard: STOP THAT KID FROM TAKING WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY HIS!

Dennis Carradine: Yeah, and wait for me also!

Peter: GO GO GO GO GO!!!

Silence fills the cafe.

Superman: What the heck was that?

Batman: Peter Parker just sped by in some kind of getaway car.

Superman: I know but why?

Batman: I'm not sure but it doesn't surprise me. Let's just say he's been making a lot of poor decisions lately.

Superman: What do you mean?

Batman: Uh, have you seen this?

Batman gets out the Bat Phone and plays a certain clip from the match between Peter and Bonesaw.

Peter: That's a cute outfit! Did your husband give it to you?

Superman groans in disgust ad disappointment before facepalming.

Fast Forward.

Spider-Man is hanging upsidedown beside MJ after saving her from a bunch of crooks wanting to have their way with her.

Mary Jane: I think I have a superhero stalker.

Spider-Man: I was in the neighbourhood.

Mary Jane: You... sound exactly like my neighbour, Peter Parker.

Spider-Man: Whaaaa?

Mary Jane: Who I just talked to, like, thrity seconds ago.

Spider-Man: Whaaaaaaat?! That wasn't me! I mean, who's Peter?!

Mary Jane: ...

Fast Forward.

Green Goblin stands before Spidey in the burning house scene.

Green Goblin: And what about my generous proposal? Are you in or are you out?

Spider-Man: It's you who's out, Gobby! Out of your mind!

Green Goblin: WRONG ANSWER!

Goblin tosses a pumpkin bomb. Peter is in the middle of dodging it as if he was expecting the bomb to transform into the razor bats from the film but realises it's an actual pumpkin bomb.

Spider-Man: OH CRAP!

The bomb explodes and reduces our hero into nothing but a skeleton that falls to the ground. We cut to later in The Villain Pub as Goblin finishes telling his story to Palpatine, Joker (the Jack Nicolson version) Zod (the Terrance Stamp version), and Voldemort.

Green Goblin: Y'know, I was going to throw these new unpredictable twirly boomerang blade things at him that he could totally avoid and dodge. But then I thought, nah, just vaporize him like I did all my previous enemies.

Everyone laughs at that.

Fast Forward.

Green Goblin hovers over the frightened Aunt May.

Green Goblin: Finish it!

Aunt May: EAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

Green Goblin: FINISH IT!

Aunt May: OH, THIS REMINDS ME OF A LONG BORING STORY ABOUT THE DAY BEN TAUGHT ME... *pulls out two assault rifles* how to defend myself!

Green Goblin: What the?!

Aunt May shoots Goblin to death, laughing like a maniac as she does it.

Aunt May: Maybe YOU should say YOUR prayers!

She resumes firing and laughing madly.

Fast forward.

Spider-Man arrives for the final confrontation with Green Goblin, who has taken Mary Jane and a tram full of innocent children hostage and dangling them over the bridge.

Green Goblin: It's time to choose, Spider-Man! Save your bouncy girlfriend, who's been interested in at least three guys in this story alone, or the innocent children you've never seen before a day in your life. We are who we choose to-.

Spider-Man: NOPE!

Peter webs the cable of the cable car to Gobby's hand.

Spider-Man: How about I just web those hands there so you don't lose your grip...

Green Goblin: Hey!

Peter web pulls MJ over to him.

Spider-Man: Save a little MJ...

Green Goblin: I was gonna drop those!

Spider-Man: Little more webs for safety...

Peter starts webbing up Gobby to the bridge.

Green Goblin: DAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

Spider-Man leaps over.

Spider-Man: And now, let's get that pesky mask off.

Peter web yanks the ask off, revealing Green Goblin's identity as Norman Osborn.

Norman: DAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

Spider-Man and Mary Jane: MR OSBORN?!?!

Norman: Yeah yeah, it's me.

Mary Jane: Well, that explains Thanksgiving.

Norman: But you're too late, Spider-Man! Since you won't join me, I'm going to make you and your loved ones suffer! Hahahahahaha! So if you'd just unweb me, that'd be a huge help.

Spider-Man: Yeah, that doesn't sound so good for me. Let's just stay here till the police arrive.

Norman: YOU'LL NEVER WIN, SPIDER-MAN!

Spider-Man: I think I already have.

Norman: Oh, really? Did you know he's Peter Parker?

Spider-Man: DUDE!!!

Mary Jane: WHAT?!

Norman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Spider-Man: Not cool!

Norman: Whoopsies! Now she knows!

Spider-Man: I'm sorry, MJ. I wanted to tell you but my uncle made this whole speech about responsibility.

Mary Jane: You're a great kisser!

Spider-Man: Oh, thanks! So are you.

Norman: Both of you shut up! Now, stand real still while I tell you more things you might be interested in hearing.

Spider-Man: Why, so you can sneak that glider up behind me?

As if on cue, Gobby's glider appears behind Peter and MJ.

Norman: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SPIKY GLIDER BEHIND YOU!

Spider-Man: What are you going to do with that, ram me?

Norman: Wouldn't you like to know?

Spider-Man: That looks painful. Even if I don't jump out of the way, which I will, wouldn't this plan also kill you in the process? You're right in the path, man.

Norman: Stop trying to talk your way out of this, Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: It's almost like being a villain and knowing my identity causes you to make deadly mistakes.

Norman: That's not gonna happen! Watch, I'll show you!

Cue the glider extending it's front blades and zooming towards our hero and MJ.

Spider-Man: Aaaaaaand leap!

Peter leaps over the glider and zooms towards Norman.

Norman: Oh no.

The glider rams into his chest (unlike the movie where it rams into his crotch).

Norman: DAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! Peter, don't tell Harry...

Norman dies.

Spider-Man: Oh, I'm gonna. What, am I going to undress you so he doesn't see you in your suit? That's just weird. Plus, I think not telling Harry could cause real problems for me later.

MJ nods in agreement. We cut to later at The Osborn Penthouse as Peter has finished explaining everything to a Shook Harry.

Spider-Man: I'm really sorry but your dad was The Green Goblin, I'm also Spider-Man, and MJ loves me more than you.

Harry: THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN, DUDE!!!

The End.

We cut to Norman's hallucination mirror tempting Bernard.

Norman: You've taken your eye off the ball. AVENGE ME!

Bernard: Uh, no thank you. I don't think I will.

Norman: ... You are so fired.

Bernard: You can't fire me. You're dead. Haha!

Bernard leaves an annoyed Norman.