How Black Widow Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with the breakout attempt as Yelena tries to fly the helicopter.

Black Widow: What are you doing?! Are you kidding me?!

White Widow: We're both doing a really good job!

Cue a guard at a turret shooting at the aircraft.

White Widow: Oh, you did NOT shoot that gun at me!

Yelena goes to the open door with a rocket launcher.

Yelena: Oh yeah?! Well take this-!

Cue Yelena getting killed by the bullets firing at her, making her shoot the rocket and causing the helicopter to crash into the prison much to everyone's shock.

Aleksi: Well, poop. I guess this means we're screwed.

Cue an avalanche killing everyone.

Black Widow: How It Should Have Ended

We cut to the fight against a Red Room Widow in Budapest. As the tower falls towards a building, Nat drops the widow before the tower slams into the side of a building... and Nat slamming into every wall mounted object as she falls towards the ground.

Natasha: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I THINK I'VE BROKEN EVERY BONE IN MY BODY!!!

OR...

Cue the same scene happening only Nat survives.

Natasha: Wow, I magically landed on my feet.

She turns her attention to The Red Room Widow, who is about to be made to commit suicide by Dreykov.

Natasha: Are you okay? How can I help you?

Red Room Widow: Take off my wrist bands.

Natasha: Okay.

Nat does that, saving the lady's life.

Red Room Widow: Thank you.

Fast Forward.

We cut to the confrontation at Dreykov's helicopter (i think, mostly because I haven't seen this movie yet) with Yelena on the wing of the aircraft.

Black Widow: YELENA!

Dreykov: She's on the wing! What are you waiting for?!

White Widow: (after forming her staff) This is for-!

Cue her getting shot to death and falls into the aircraft's engine, making it explode.

Black Widow: NOOOOOOO!!!

Cut to Yelena's tombstone.

Yelena's Tobstone: YELENA BELOVA. Thought she could punch through a jet turbine.

OR...

Cue the actual scene playing out.

Black Widow: NOOOOOO!!!

The turine explodes, sending Yelena falling off the airbase. Nat leaps after her and saves them both with a parachute. It is revealed that the explosion... blew off Yelena's face, revealing the front part of her skull.

White Widow: Is this a cool way to die?

Black Widow: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

Cue them both getting killed by falling debris. Cut to their tombstones.

Yelena's New Tombstone: YELENA BELOVA. Really loved pockets.

Natasha's Tombstone: FANNY LONGBOTTOM. What? That's what her ID said her name was.

Fast forward to the actual ending of the movie. Ross and the US Government are coming to arrest Natasha.

Black Widow: Well, we did it. We took down The Red Room. Now, you guys go on without me. I'll buy you some time.

White Widow: Buy us some time? That's not why you want us to leave.

Black Widow: Yes, it is.

White Widow: No, it isn't. You want us to go so you can have an epic solo pose for the camera.

Black Widow: No, I don't!

White Widow: You are such a poser. "Oh hey, look at me. I saved everyone. Watch me gaze at the enemy swiftly approaching." Don't be stupid. C'mon, we're leaving.

Black Widow: Ugh, fine!

Cut to later in The Super Cafe as we see Nat pouting.

Black Widow: So we left. I was gonna have one more shot in the spotlight but whatever.

Melina: And why should you get to be the only one in the spotlight? I was the one who made The Red Room crash.

White Widow: And I saved The Widows before they killed you.

Red Guardian: And I... also participated.

Black Widow: Becuase I broke my nose and I got the widow list and I saved Dreykov's daughter. Come on, I thought we all knew this was always about me.

Superman: You are lucky Taskmaster doesn't hold a grudge after getting blown up as a child.

Black Widow: Grudge? No, we're... we're good. Right, girl?

Taskmaster: *death glare*

Black Widow: See? She's not mad at all.

Nat briefly looks back at Taskmaster, slightly worried.

Taskmaster: *death glare intensifies*

Superman: So what are you gonna do next?

White Widow: Well, we are going to keep freeing widows.

Black Widow: And I'm going to go back to my Avengers family. I just need a jet to get there.

Batman: I have a jet! *ahem* I have one. You can use my jet.

Cue love music playing in the background.

Black Widow: Oh, you want to take me for a ride in your Batwing?

Batman: Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh...

Red Guardian activates protective dad mode.

Red Guardian: I don't like the way this is sounding. How can I trust this pointy eared suit man with my daughter?

Melina: She's not your real daughter.

Red Guardian: I sort of raised her for a brief time in her life.

White Widow: She's a grown woman.

Black Widow: I can take care of myself, Aleksi.

Red Guardian: No no, Natasha, you should not go on joyrides with strange boys.

White Widow: You're not a father.

Red Guardian: I am just concerned. What if he has intentions?

Batman: Oh, I have a lot of intentions. I call them my... Batentions.

Superman: This is getting awkward.

Melina: Sit up, Superman. You will get a back hunch.

Superman: What? I'm not getting a hunch.

Melina: Sit. Sit up.

Red Guardian: ENOUGH! If you want to date my daughter, you must prove yourself.

Batman: Bring it on!

Cut to Red Guardian and Batman arm wrestling. Batman is even doing this while holding his coffee mug in the other hand.

Red Guardian: How. Are you. Doing this?!

Batman: BECAUSE! I'M! BATMAN!!!

Batman beats Red Guardian in the arm wrestling match, earning the right to date Natasha.

BUT THIS IS HOW IT REALLY SHOULD HAVE ENDED...

BEFORE THE BRIDGE SCENE...

Taskmaster is hiding in a tree while waiting for Natasha to leave her safe house, armed with a bow and arrow.

Dreykov: Taskmaster, what is your status?

Taskmaster: I have successfully tracked the whereabouts of the package Yelena sent to her sister.

Dreykov: That is my girl. How did you do that?

Taskmaster: It's not explained.

Dreykov: Okay then. So what's next?

Taskmaster: I'm going to hide in this tree and wait for Natasha to drive by with the package.

Dreykov: And you know she's carrying the package now, yes?

Taskmaster: I hope so. Then I will shoot her car with an exploding arrow!

Dreykov: Ah, will that destroy the package?

Taskmaster: You would think but no, it would just flip her car over and cause a huge wreck. I will still have to get the package.

Dreykov: This seems like a lot of risky behaviour. If you tracked the package, then why don't you just go to her house and take it? Does she live in a highly populated area?

Taskmaster: No, she lives alone in the woods.

Dreykov: Oh my gosh, Taskmaster...

Taskmaster: What?

Dreykov: Come on...

Taskmaster: What?

Dreykov: GO TO HER HOUSE AND GET THE PACKAGE!!!

Taskmaster: Ugh, fine!

Cue the power of Nat's safe house going out.

Natasha: Oh dang!

We see Nat working on the generator... until a knock out dart hits her on the right butt cheek.

Natasha: Uh! What the-? Oooooh...

Natasha collapses, knocked out, and Taskmaster goes to Nat's car to get the case full of whatever the McGuffin in The Black Widow Movie is.

Taskmaster: Hehehehehe. Yoink. Easy peasy.

The End.

We fade to Nat's tombstone and Yelena visiting it.

Natasha's Real Tombstone: NATASHA ROMANOFF. The only ginger to fool The Soul Stone.

Cue someone loudly blowing their nose and we slowly pan over to reveal that Batman came with Yelena.

Batman: *batsobbing* Do you want to know... my secret identity?

Yelena: Ugh. Are you kidding me?

Yelena leaves the scene.

Batman: *batsobbing intensifies*