Villain Pub: Return of the Palps (Star Wars Predictions)

Transcript
Cue the theme song.

♪Making your way evil today sure does take alot Thinking of ways to distribute hate takes everything you've got Wouldn't you like to rule the place Sometimes you wanna go where everybody hates your faaaaaaaaace And the villains share your raaaaaaaaaaaage You wanna be in the evil seat, heroes are all the same You wanna go where everybody hates your face♪

We open with Bowser throwing Salacious Crumb (Jabba's monkey minion from Return Of The Jedi) out the door before we focus on today's topic in The Villain Pub.

Loki: So it's official, Palpatine is going to give it another go.

Palpatine: That is the rumour, yes.

Voldemort: Are you going to really come back or is this some kind of Dark Side Force Ghost thing we're talking about here?

Palpatine: Patience, my friend. All of your questions will be answered.

Zod: I bet he's just gonna be a ghost. I mean look at him! He could be a ghost right now! I mean we all saw Little Ani throw him down the well.

Voldemort: He could've just used his space magic to stop his fall!

Loki: What if he was never even there? It could have all been an illusion.

Zod: What, like a Force Projection?

Loki: Yes, we saw Luke do it. So why can't The Emperor?

Zod: I don't like that.

Loki: Why?

Zod: Because that ties into Episode 8 and that would mean I'd have to acknowledge it's existence!

Voldemort: EPISODE 8 IS PART OF THE STORY, YOU GROUCH!!! Get over it!

Zod: They ruined the most important Skywalker!

Joker: I think you're focusing on the wrong Skywalker. The story isn't about Luke.

Zod: Yes, it is!

Joker: The story is about Anakin, you imbecile. He's the Skywalker. He's gonna be the one who rises.

Zod: Oh, he better not! Luke better rise or I quit!

Magneto: I think you better prepare yourself, my friend. It's like Snoke said, "Darkness rises, and Hayden Christensen to meet it".

Loki: You gentlemen are completely ignoring the current cast. The Rise Of Skywalker is going to have a completely different meaning.

Zod: How?

Loki: After Ben and Rey defeat Palps, no offense, Rey is going to call the next Jedi order "Skywalkers", that way she is a Skywalker without actually being related to any.

Zod: That's dumb!

Palpatine: I agree.

Cersei Lannister: I think Rey is actually going to be a Skywalker. It just makes more sense to make Rey and Ben family.

Zod: But Rey is gonna turn evil! I saw her new Darth Maul saber!

Loki: That was probably just a vision.

Zod: You don't know!

The Prowler: I bet she's a clone. Rey had that vision where she saw a million copies of herself. I bet Palpatine over there is cloning a bunch of Reys so he can have an endless supply of apprentices.

Cobra Commander: We do know Palpatine is obsessed with clones! I wouldn't be surprised if he's Rey's father!

Voldemort: Yes, and I could totally see JJ try to steal that "I'm your father" line for his movie like he did in Star Trek with-!

Cue the arrival of Khan, walking in the pub.

Everyone: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

Khan: Good evening, everyone. [sits beside Joker]

Zod: Hey, Khan, you think Palps is gonna say "I'm your father"?

Khan: JJ is too much of a Falcon Fanboy. He's more likely to give the "I'm your father" moment to Lando.

The Prowler: I'm okay with that.

Electro: Yeah, same here.

Loki: What else do you think is going to happen with Palpatine's grand return?

Khan: I think he's going to get his butt handed to him by a bunch of Force Ghosts.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Joker: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Dalek: HILARIOUS!

Palpatine: Careful, Trekkie, before the butt handed to you is yours!

Khan: I'm simply evaluting the data. In most massive stories, there is always a moment where the calvary arrives just when all hope is lost. The Ride of The Rohirrim, The T-Rex of Jurassic Park.

Joker: OOH! The Avengers portal scene in Endgame! [shouting into the restroom] Remember that, Thanos?! Hehehe!

Thanos: [emerging with a plunger] Too soon, man. Too soon. [goes back to work]

Khan: It is highly likely that Palpatine will face a similar fate. It's a crowd pleaser and necessary to defeat an impossible foe.

Palpatine: I'm not going to be defeated!

Joker: It is the third installment of this trilogy.

Voldemort: Yes. I do believe you are toast, Palps.

Joker: Oooohohohohohoho.

Palpatine: That is ridiculous! I succeeded at the end of the first trilogy!

Zod: [to himself] Depends on what you consider the first trilogy.

Palpatine: They thought I was dead at the end of the next trilogy! Well surprise! Guess who's back! Back again! Palps is back! And who will succeed AGAIN! Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe!

Voldemort: I bet there's gonna be this epic moment where Rey and Ben are almost dead, and then we're gonna hear someone say some quotable line like "Rey, on your left", and then Ghost Luke will appear!

Loki: Yes! And then Yoda! And Obi-Wan!

Joker: Hahahahahahahaha! THEN Mace Windu!

Zod: Then more Jedi!

Ra's Al Ghul: Then Qui-Gon Jinn! And then...

Joker: And then!

Loki: And then!

Voldemort: And THEN!

Zod: AND THEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Deadpool: [walking in] AND THEN... ANAKIN!

Palpatine: [triggered] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Shut up, all of you! [points at Deadpool] And you go away!

Deadpool leaves.

Palpatine: No! I won't let that happen!

Loki: [tauntingly] It is inevitable. It is your destiny.

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

We cut to the restroom.

Thanos: [cleaning a toilet] I thought I was inevitable.

We cut back to the main room.

Voldemort: They are going to pull The Dark Side right out of you and throw it back from whence it came! Hahahahahahahahaha!

Loki: I think you're getting your stories mixed but that does sound exciting.

Palpatine: You unloyal sack of fools! How dare you root against me instead of supporting my quest for galactic domination! Oh, I'm afraid your pathetic theories will all be obliterated when Episode 9 arrives. I will rule this galaxy, and I WILL DESTORY ALL WHO STAND IN MY WAY!

Everyone: O_O

Voldemort: That sounds awesome.

Loki: Yes, we totally support you.

Joker: Yeah, Team Sith all the way.

Zod: You can destroy anything you want, man.

Apocalypse: EVERYONE EXCEPT POE! If you hurt Poe, I will destroy you myself!

Palpatine: *sigh* Get out of here, Apocalypse.

Apocalypse: [leaving] Okay.

The Villain Pub: Return Of The Palps

After the credits, we see Zod playing with toys of Rey and Kylo Ren.

Zod: I just want Rey and Ben to turn against The Emperor and be like "This is our galaxy now, Palpatoots!", and then kiss!

Everyone: O_O

Palpatine: Okay, Zod is cut off for the rest of the night.

Zod: Awe come on, man!

The end.