How Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice Should Have Ended



Coming Soon

TBA

Transcript
Open with...

Batman: Why did you say that name?

Lois: It's his mother's name!

Batman: Wait, your mom's name is Martha?

Superman: Yes.

Batman: That's so wild, my mom's name is Martha.

Superman: Oh, no way! What are the odds?

Batman: Who knows? Well, this changes everything. You wanna, like, hang out? Go get some coffee?

Superman: Well, that was a sudden change in attitude. But yeah, sure. I actually don't have a lot of friends.

Batman: Sweet, I know just the place.

Cut to The Super Cafe if it was in The Snyder-Verse.

Batman: Sooo... what's up?

Superman: We should probably go save my mother now...

Batman: Oh yeah! I totally forgot. We'll come back later.

Cue title card. Begin with Bruce driving into Metropolis.

Bruce: You need to get everyone out of the building now!

Jack: OH, you THINK?!?

Bruce: Yes!

Jack: You think that's a good idea, Mr. Wayne?

Bruce: Yes, that's why I'm calling.

Jack: I mean, I was gonna stay here and work but since you've given us the go ahead, I'll start to respect the fact that aliens are attacking the city and it might not be safe up here.

Bruce: Holy cow, what is your deal?

Fast forward to Lex getting the things he wants by trying to shove a sweet into Senator Dumbass' mouth.

Senator: Pl- please don't... Please stop that.

Lex: Cherry?

Senator: Please stop... stop. Please, please stop.

Lex: So can I have those things that I asked for?

Senator: Uh no, I don't have that kind of clearance. I'm just a senator.

Fast forward to Batman meeting Diana in the museum.

Bruce : Excuse me. You've stolen something that doesn't belong to you. Who are you?

Diana: Are you saying you want to know my secret identity?

Bruce: Hehe- I'M Batman! (Clears throat) I mean, (cough) maybe...

Fast forward to Batman driving into Superman.

Batman: Tell me... do you have insurance? You better.

Superman: Well technically, you hit me. Also, I just saw you murder a bunch of people. So, I'm kind of gonna have to take you in.

Batman: Oh, well then... Like a good bulter, Alfred is there.

Alfred: (teleports in) I've got you, Master Wayne. (teleports himself and Batman out)

Superman: What?!?

Fast forward to the hearing.

Senator Lady: Only by working together, can we... (looks at the jar labelled "Mrs. Incredible's Pee-ch Tea")

She realises Lex is behind this but Keefe's wheelchair blows up, killing everyone.

Superman: Dang it!

Superman then flies around the Earth, turning back time. He arrives behind Keefe's wheelchair.

Superman: This man has a bomb in his chair. (bucks Keefe of it and flies outside) Save the day! (the chair explodes)

Everyone: HOORAY!!!!!!!!

Fast forward to the dream sequence. Superman stares angrily at Bats, then...

Superman: Super Tickles! (tickles Batman to death)

Batman: (gets tickled by Superman) This is a nightmare! (screams in agony)

Batman wakes up. Then suddenly...

Flash: Bruce!

Bruce: Oh my gosh!

Flash: Bruce!!! Listen to me!! Rotten tomatoes! Rotten tomatoes everywhere!!!

Bruce: What the heck is happening right now?!

Fast forward to Lex ordering Superman to kill Batman or Martha dies.

Lex: When you got here you had but a hour. Now it's less...

Superman: Oh snap, a hour? I'd better hurry then! (flies off)

Lex: Holy crap!

Superman: (carrying Martha) Is this my mother, Lex?

Lex: Hm.

Superman: What?

Lex: Yes.

Superman: I mean I flew around the city a few times and used my x-ray vision but I gotta make sure! Is this the mother of mine that you threatened to murder in front of my face?

Lex: Yes, I said that's the one. Okay? You win.

Silence.

Superman: You diseased maniac.

Fast forward to Superman meeting Batman to try and talk.

Batman: Well, here I am.

Superman: Bruce, you have to listen to me! Lex Luthor is behind every- (Is shot to death)

Batman: (looking down at Superman's dead body) Kryptonite bullets. I win.

Fast forward. Batman readies to fire another Kryptonite gas grenade.

Superman: More Kryptonite?

Batman fires it.

Superman: Dodge! (dodges it)

Batman: What the-?! How?!

Superman: Because I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I win!

Batman: Oh, shi-. (gets tackled)

Fast forward to Superman punching Doomsday into space.

Ferris: Sir, he's taking the creature into space.

Swanwick: You mean he's saving us?

Ferris: It looks that way, sir. Nuke them anyway?

Swanwick: No!! Are you crazy? Just let him take it into space.

Cut back to space.

Superman: Anndddddd, into the sun! (punches Doomsday into the sun, who dies)

Fast forward to Lois waiting for Superman getting the spear then...

Lois: (surprised) Oh my gosh!

Aquaman shows up holding Superman and the spear.

Aquaman: Looking for these??

Lois: Are you here to help fight the monster?

Aquaman: Nope, not this time. (going back underwater) Good luck with your cave troll.

Fast forward.

But this is how it really should have ended.

Doomsday is tied up by Wonder Woman, who is using the Lasso of Truth.

Superman: I love you.

Lois: No.

Superman: This is my world.

Lois: No, Clark, you can't.

Superman: You are my world.

Lois: It's so cliche. Don't fight the monster.

Superman: And I know what I have to-

Batman: (wielding the spear) Alright, chums, let's do this. (runs towards Doomsday) Becauuuuuuuuuuse (Superman and Lois stare in shock) IIIIIIIIII'mmmmmm (fires the last Kryptonite grenade at Doomsday and jumps towards Doomsday) Batmannnnnn!!!!! (stabs Doomsday, killing him and making a giant explosion)

Cut to later in The Cafe. Superman stares angrily at Batman.

Wonder Woman: So, how does this work? You talk first? I talk first?

Superman: You stole my victory, Bruce!

Batman: Nah, that thing would have stabbed you and we'd have to like go to your funeral and stuff...

Superman: I wouldn't have died. I would've just been gone for a while.

Batman: Yeah, but you'd probably have come back evil or something, make us fight you all over again. So I just went ahead and killed Doomsday.

Superman: All I know is that was exhausting.

Batman: Yeah..

Superman: Like, we covered so much ground that you'd almost have to go through it multiple times to feel like it made any sense.

Batman: Right?!

Wonder Woman: Not for me, I pretty much just checked my email then fought a monster. What were you guys doing the whole time?

Batman: We were sort of fighting- each other...

Superman: Fighting is a loose term. I was feeling bad for saving people for some reason and this guy went down a serious dark path.

Batman: I may have killed a bunch of guys...

Wonder Woman: No!

Batman: And bulldozed them with my bat-mobile.

Wonder Woman: That is dark.

Batman: Yeah, but I feel bad about it now so that makes it okay.

Wonder Woman: That doesn't seem right but whatever. So what were you two fighting about?

Superman: It's so complicated. He thought I was going to kill humans, so he decided to kill me first rather than just talk to me about it.

Wonder Woman: You were going to kill Superman?!

Superman: He was gonna try. (whispers to her) I sort of let him win.

Batman: Oh, I beg to differ. I seem to remember you lying on the ground crying out for your mother.

Superman: What was her name again?

Batman: Martha. (sniff) Martha. I-I'm sorry. I need a minute. (runs outside, crying)

Wonder Woman: I am so confused.

Superman: Our mom's have the same name. He's really sensitive about it.

Batman: (outside, looking at Superman) Why did you say that name?!

Superman: Your mom isn't the only Martha in the world, dude!

Batman: Your mom's name is like my mom's name! what does it all mean?! (returns to his seat) Okay, I'm good now.

Wonder Woman: Well, this is certainly not what I imagined hanging out with you two was going to be like.

Superman: It's normally not like this.

Batman: Yeah, We're supposed to be the cool kids.

Superman: What happened to us?

Wonder Woman: Uh, he killed people and you forgot to smile.

Superman: Oh my gosh, The Amazon Goddess is right.

Wonder Woman: Of course I am.

Batman: I like you, Wonder Woman. Wanna help us form a team?

Wonder Woman: (raising an eyebrow) Like The Avengers?

Batman: No, this is totally different! Why would you think that? I saying, like, a League that serves out Justice.

Superman: Yeah, and then we could be like "You just got served... some Justice!"

Batman: Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. I vote reboots.

Wonder Woman: Don't you dare! I just got here!

Flash: I wanna join! Can I be in The League?

Cyborg: Yeah, me too?

Aquaman: Can I join, too?

Superman: Yeah, the more the merrier!

"Green Lantern": (outside) AND ME TOO?!

Superman & Batman: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Deadpool: Heh, I'm just kidding. I'm not doing that anymore. Hey, great job murdering people, Batman. Killing your enemies is wrong. (leaves)

Batman: Aw man. It's gonna be a while before I live this down, huh?

Superman: Mmhm.

The end.

Superman: Because you're Batman.

Batman: What'd I tell you about my catchphrase?

Superman: Oh, does that make you mad? Are those fighting words?

Batman: Don't you start with me. I wouldn't wanna have to break out the Kryptonite.

Superman: You mean say Martha?

Batman: (gasp!) Why do you keep saying that name?!

Superman: It's just too easy now.

Batman: (groan) I wish Doomsday did kill you.

Cut to Lex in jail.

Lex: The bell cannot be unrung! He has found us! And he is coming! ♪Dingdingdingdingdingdingdingding... Dingdingdingdingdingdingdingding...♪

Batman: ♪What does The Lex say?♪