How Star Wars Should Have Ended (Special Edition)/Transcript

[The scene starts with the HISHE logo, followed by the Star Ware titles playing with the title "How Star Wars Should have Ended (Special Edition)". Then, we pan down and sees the Impireal shuttle chasing and firing at the Reble shuttle. Inside the Rebel shuttle]

C-3PO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor! We'll be destroyed for sure!

R2-D2: [beaps, pulls out two blasters and rolls off]

C-3PO: What do you mean, "Not if I have anything to say about it!"?

[R2 stands with the Rebel soldiers and then, the door explodes then R2 shoots down every storm trooper who would comes out of the door, making Wilhelm screams as they die and they are dead]

Rebel Soldier 1: That little droid did it!

Rebel soldier 2: Such a Mary Sue.

[Darth Vader shows up]

Darth Vader: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[R2 fires and Vader reflects one bolt at someone offscreen]

Someone offscreen: [Wilhelm scream]

Darth Vader: Who's shooting up all my storm troopers in here?

[Three rebels point at R2]

R2-D2:

Darth Vader: R2? Is that you?

R2-D2: [flees] Whaaaoh!

Darth Vader: Wait! Come back! Nooooooo!

[Fast forward to the scene where the escape pod is launched. To the two guys]

Jenson: There goes another one.

Imperial guy: Hold your fire. There aren't any lifeforms.

[Fast forward to the scene where Darth Vader and Obi-Wan are about to fight]

Darth Vader: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last.

Obi-Wan: How do you get new legs? I seem to remember chopping those off.

Darth Vader: When I left you, I was but the learner... Now I am the...

Obi-Wan: Are those made of metal?

[Obi-Wan used the force and Vader's metal arms and legs are scrunched up]

Darth Vader: Uuugh! [lands on the floor, standing]

Obi-Wan: What is this? A breathing device?

[Vader's respirator gets damaged]

Darth Vader: No, I need that!

Obi-Wan: What's with the helmet? Show your face, silly.

[Obi-Wan uses the force to remove Vader's helmet]

Darth Vader: [gasp]

Obi-Wan: Oh my! Someone has not aged well.

Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker: I hate you so much.

[Fastforward and cut to black with the text saying "But this is how it really should have ended..."

General Willard: Men. Normally with this information, we would take time to make an intricate plan of attack. However, rather than transmitting out the technical readouts of the Imperial battle station and keeping our hidden rebel base SAFE! Princess Leia insisted on delivering the plans herself... knowing full well, her ship was being tracked. Thank you, Princess Leia.

Princess Leia: I'm picking up on your sass.

General Willard: That's good... because you deserve it! [to the rebel troops] So. In short... we have one chance to make this right... and it's all Princess Leia's fault.

(Scene cuts to show the Death Star drifting towards Yavin 4. In a private meeting room Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin listen to the intercom.)

Death Star Technician: Sir, we have reached the Planet Yavin. The rebel base is on a moon orbiting on the other side of the planet. We'll be within firing range in 30 minutes.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Or... You could lightspeed this battle station to the appropriate side of this planet the first time and be in range now!

Death Star Technician: Oh... Yes. Uh. My mistake, sir. Stand by.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Mmm, hmm.

(The Death Star goes into Lightspeed past Yavin and comes out of Lightspeed right in range of the rebel base. The shot goes to C-3P0, Princess Leia and General Willard looking at a digital map showing that the Death Star is close to the planet.)

Map: The Death Star is in range. The Death Star is in range.

C-3PO: Oh my!

General Willard: Well, so much for that idea.

(The Death Star fires on the rebel base destroying it completely, The Millennium Falcon flys away from the debris.)

Chewbacca: (Growls)

Han Solo: Boy, you said it, Chewy. I was this close to going back and helping those people.

(End then cuts to Yoda and Obi-Wan's force ghost on Dagobah.)

Yoda: Let him beat you, you had to. What will I do now tell me? Hmm? Go crazy I will!

Obi-Wan: Oh get over yourself!