How Ant-Man Should Have Ended

Plot
Scott Lang has left prison when he is approached by Hank Pym and Hope van Dyne. Pym offers Lang a mission, explaining that he had an elaborate plan involving Lang's friend Luis, but realized it was too convoluted. Despite Luis's offerings, Lang agrees to the plan and leaves with Pym.

At Pym Technologies, Darren Cross unveils his Yellowjacket suit, explaining his plan of using it to create invisible, undetectable soldiers like Pym's Ant-Man suit. However, Pym points out that he is visible in old footage of Ant-Man, and the buyers realize that Pym is right. When they ask what else Cross has in store, Cross admits he has a gun that turns anyone it shoots into goo, and the buyers decide to take two million of them. Cross leaves the building, ordering van Dyne to escort Pym out of the building. Pym and van Dyne then decide to take the Yellowjacket suit, using Pym's tank keychain to destroy Cross's servers and data as Cross wails in despair.

At the Super Café, Pym laments not being able to pull off a Mission Impossible caper with ants, while Superman and Batman muse on the inconsistency with Pym Particles. When Superman wonders how Lang can don his Ant-Man suit rapidly without superpowers, Lang simply says that it's because he's Ant-Man, much to Batman's displeasure. The two argue, with Lang threatening to shrink down, run across their table, and uppercut Batman's face. Batman then shrinks down to ant-size and flirts with van Dyne while shrunk.

During the credits, a shrunken Lang encounters the Toy Story toys. He reveals his true identity to them, causing them to become inert.

Transcript
(The HISHE logo rolls across the screen as salsa music plays. Scott Lang is seen emerging from prison as Luis waits by in his van)

Luis: Hey!

(Hank Pym and Hope van Dyne roll up in their own convertible)

Hank: Hi, Scott.

Scott: Holy crap! You're Hank Pym!

Hank: That's right, Scott. And I know you're a talented engineer with amazing skills. That's why I want you to come work for me.

Scott: Okay...

Hank: At first I had this elaborate plan involving your thief buddy over there.

Luis: Hey!

Hank: He'd get you to steal something from me and try it out.

Luis: Hmm, probably would've worked.

Hank: You'd get arrested, then I'd break you out of jail.

Hope: Dad! Enough already!

Hank: Right! Anyway, it was way too complicated... So I thought I'd just pull up here now and offer you a ton of money to come work for me on a very special project. What do you say?

Scott: Wow! um... That actually sounds pretty good!

Luis: Hey man! What about me?! Don't you wanna like eat waffles in my crappy apartment... and eventually give in to pursuing a life of crime?

Hank: Plus my daughter's pretty hot and she'll be training you.

Hope: Ugh!

Scott: Luis?

Luis: I got this sweet horn! (honks horn and plays La Cucaracha)

Scott: ''(gets in Hank's car)' 'I'm in, Mr. Pym!

Luis: I respect your decision! (Hank drives away) Follow your dreams!

(Cue title card. Cut to Pym Technologies, where Darren Cross unveils the Yellowjacket suit)

Cross: We will use a shrinking suit to create invisible, undetectable soldiers, just like this one. See! I figured out your secret, Pym!

Hank: What do you mean invisible undetectable soldiers? You can totally see me in that old footage. (zoom into the old footage, revealing Pym as Ant-Man)

Buyer 1: Hey! He's right!

Buyer 2: Yeah! That's not invisible! We can totally see the suit right there in the case!

Buyer 1: This is a bust! What else do you have?

Cross: Uh... well... I made this gun that shrinks people into a gooey puddle. (shoots another buyer)

Buyers: That is amazing! Why didn't you open with that?

Buyer 2: Just think of all the undetectable killings we could get away with!

Buyer 1: We'll take one million of those little goop guns!

Buyer 2: We'll take TWO million!

Cross: Great! I'm gonna take care of our buyers. Hope, will you please see Hank out? Thanks! Buh-bye! (leaves the room with the buyers)

Hope: He actually left us alone with the suit.

Hank: (brandishes tank keychain) Then let's get started!

(Outside Pym Technologies, the enlarged tank blasts out of the building with the Yellowjacket suit, then drives back in and wreaks havoc with the data)

Cross: My suit! My servers! My data! I'M RUINED!!!! (a herd of sheep run past Cross as he wallows in despair)

(At the Super Café...)

Hank: And so we took the place out, shrunk back the tank, and nobody understood what the heck happened.

Superman: Wow! That sounds a little too easy.

Scott: Yeah, they didn't even really need me when you think about it.

Hank: Well, we were gonna have this elaborate Mission Impossible caper with ants... but these two insisted it wasn't necessary.

Hope: You had an actual tank in your pocket, Dad.

Hank: But it's Mission Impossible, with ants! Have you seen Mission Impossible? It's got Tom Cruise and everything! It's a very exciting picture!

Hope: We didn't need to do Mission Impossible with ants.

Hank: Tom Cruise does his own stunts, you know.

Hope: Dad...

Hank: This last time he hung off the side of a plane!

Scott: Nobody cares, Hank.

Hank: We could've done that!

Hope: Dad...

Hank: But with ants!

Superman: How do you carry that tank around anyway?

Batman: If the mass stays the same, shouldn't that tank weigh, like, 60 tons?

Hank: Oh, science... molecules...

Batman: Convenience.

Hank: You understand what I'm saying.

Superman: What I don't get is how fast you put on your shrinking suits. I mean, I could do it, sure... (dons civilian garb) but I have super speed. (shifts back into Superman) No one without super powers could get into that suit that fast.

Scott and Batman: I can!

Superman: How?

Scott: Because I'm Ant-Man.

Batman: (in synch with Scott) Because I'm Bat- (realizes that they nearly said the same thing in synch) What the-?! You can't just-

Superman: This is...

Batman: That's my...

Superman: ... awkward....

Batman: I say that!

Scott: You say, "I'm Ant-Man"? That's weird.

Batman: No! I say, "Batman"! Because I'm Batman! I'm Batman!

Scott: And I'm Ant-Man!

Batman: Stop saying that!

Scott: But I am Ant-Man!

Batman: And I am Batman!

Hope: Oh my gosh!

Scott: Don't make me shrink down and run across this table and punch you right in the face!

Batman: Bring it! (shrinks down to ant-size, much to everyone's shock)

Superman: What?! What the-! How?!

Batman: (in a squeaky helium voice) Because I'm Batman!

(Cue credits sequence. Cut to a shrunken Ant-Man in Cassie's room)

Hamm: Eh, here we go! Another guy in a space suit!

Woody: You! Are! A! TOYYYYY!!!!

Scott: No! I'm Ant-Man. (reverts to normal size; the toys all gasp and go inert)

(Back at the Super Café, the shrunken Batman has perched himself on Hope's shoulder)

Batman: Hey! Wanna know my secret identity? (Hope glares)

The End