Villain Pub - Palpatine's Quarantine

Synopsis
Palps has to lockdown the pub to enforce social distancing and learns the challenges of entertaining himself.

Transcript
Cue the theme song.

♪Making your way evil today sure does take alot Thinking of ways to distribute hate takes everything you've got Wouldn't you like to rule the place Sometimes you wanna go where everybody hates your faaaaaaaaace And the villains share your raaaaaaaaaaaage You wanna be in the evil seat, heroes are all the same You wanna go where everybody hates your face♪

We open with Zod, Voldemort, Joker, and Loki walking into The Pub.

Voldemort: We're here!

Zod: Hey!

Joker: Hehey!

Loki: Hello hello hello!

Suddenly, an alarm goes off and an angry Palpatine arrives.

Palpatine: Nope! Nope! Get out! All of you! Get out right now! Don't you know what's going on out there?!

Joker: Oh, don't tell me you're falling for that nonsense.

Zod: Yeah, bunch of scare-di-cats hiding in their houses.

Voldemort: I don't even know what the big deal is. I've been around people all week and I feel fine.

Three second silence. Voldy then coughs.

Palpatine: Get your pandemic spreading butts out of here!!!

Zod: Heh, spreading butts.

Palpatine: The last thing I need in my place of business is for it to become toxic and deadly!

Voldemort: [looking around in confusion] This place? Really?

Palpatine: [shooing them out the door] Go home, you imbeciles! We're closed!

Our favourite villains leave the pub.

Zod: Aw, but it's my spring break! I should get to do what I want without thinking about others!

Palpatine: That's not how contagious sickness works, you idiots!

Cue Thanos and Bowser walking out the door.

Palpatine: You too, Bowser! Thanos! Everyone, go home!

After all that, the door is closed. Palpatine is now alone.

Palpatine: HAL?

HAL 9000: Yes, Emperor?

Palpatine: Lock the doors. This place is now self quarantined.

HAL locks the doors. Palps then decides the give his pub a cleaning, from brushing thew floor to wiping every surface.

Palps: [drying every beer mug] Good. Good.

After cleaning everything, he sits by himself at the counter. He lets out a sigh.

Palpatine: This quarantine is taking longer than I had foreseen. HAL?

HAL 9000: Yes, Emperor?

Palpatine: I'm bored!

HAL 9000: Perhaps you need to find new ways to motivate.

Palpatine: Motivate?

HAL 9000: Yes, to keep your spirits up and your mind entertained.

Palpatine smirks at that revelation. Cut to Palpatine singing at the karaoke stage.

Palpatine: ♪Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun... Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun... Just take those clones that are for sale! I don't need them I just clone myself! Could have just shown how I survived the fall! Now my saga's dead just like Darth Maul!♪

Fade to The Wine Cellar Of Doom, where Palp's talks to Jaws.

Palpatine: So did you see the people at the beach?

Jaws: Did I?! I was like look around you dumb dumbs! Even the waves aren't showing up here! Go home!

They both laugh.

Palpatine: So, did you eat any of them?

Jaws: Oh heck no! I don't wanna be around all that! I stocked up on tuna! I'm all set!

Palpatine: Excellent.

Cut to Palps doing push ups.

Palpatine: And four... and five... and six. Okay, that's good. I think we can just stop there.

Cut to outside the restroom. A toilet flushes.

Palpatine: HAL?! HAL!

HAL 9000: Yes, Emperor Palpatine?

Palpatine: Execute Order Two!

HAL 9000: Two, sir?

Palpatine: Yes, I'm afraid we are out of toilet paper! Order more immediately!

HAL 9000: I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.

Palpatine: Do it!

HAL 9000: There has been a shortage of toilet paper.

Palpatine: ... What?

HAL 9000: Civilians keep buying out stores in fear they will be stuck home without any during a lockdown.

Palpatine: Well, how lucky for them! I actually need toilet paper RIGHT NOW! What am I supposed to do, use The Force?!

HAL 9000: I suppose so, sir.

Palpatine: Well, this is a pathway to an ability even I consider to be unnatural!

The sound of The Force can be heard.

HAL 9000: Is it working, sir?

Palpatine: Yes, it's working! Leave me alone!

Cut to Palps playing Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order.

Palpatine: "Oooooh, look at me! I'm a pathetic worthless Jedi! Oh no, I fell off a cliff because I'm so worthless! But wait, I live again!" I wonder where they got THAT idea from!

Cut to Palps using his phone to watch The Superheroes sing to the tune of Imagine by John Lennon.

Wonder Woman: ♪Watch us all sing music.♪

Professor Hulk: ♪To songs we didn't even write.♪

Batman: ♪Doesn't that make you feel better?♪

Thor: ♪Instead of fearing for your life?♪

Palpatine: Ugh... I feel like social media is feeding my frustration and anger.

Palpatine's Phone: Goooooooooood! Gooooooooooooooooood!

Palpatine: What was that?

Palpatine's Phone: Nothing! I didn't say anything!

Palpatine: I think I need some fresh air.

Cut to Palps standing at the door as the mass quarantine is in effect.

Police In The Distance: Go inside! Stay inside!

Palpatine: Well, this certainly does not ease any tension!

Palps closes the door. We cut to him looking down in sadness, sighing.

Palpatine: I miss my friends. If only they were here right now.

Cut to Palps using cut-outs on sticks that look like his friends.

"Voldemort": Ho hum! I'm an evil wizard that can't even stop a bunch of teenagers! Eeeegh!

"Zod": You think that's bad? I'm a military leader and I got whooped by an inexperienced noob!

"Loki": Uugh, my brother this, and blah blah blah my father that!

"Joker": Ha ha ha! I change my face all the time! Ha ha ha!

"Khan": Science. Science. Talk. Talk. I think I'm sooooooo much better than everyone.

"Thanos": You know what I think? I think half of you should die so I can continue to sit around for no reason...

Palps is now even more sadder than before.

Palpatine: *sniffle* HAL?

HAL 9000: Yes, Emperor?

Palpatine: I don't think I can take any more of this.

HAL 9000: It is challenging, sir, and there are many others who have it far worse but, in order to win, you have to fight the urge to give up.

Palpatine: How long has it been? How long have I been trapped in here?

HAL 9000: It's been two hours.

Palpatine: [shocked and angered] WHAT?!?!

Palps proceeds to have a tantrum.

Palpatine: OH, THIS IS TORTURE! I'VE BUILT DEATH STARS FASTER THAN THIS! EVERYONE DO THEIR PART SO WE CAN KNOCK THIS THING OUT!

The End.