Villain Pub - Penny For Your Fears



Coming Soon

TBA

Transcript
We open with a tribute to the opening of Cheers.

Singers: ♪Making your way evil today sure does take a lot Thinking of ways to distribute hate takes everything you've got Wouldn't you like to rule the place Sometimes you wanna go where everybody hates your faaaaaaaaace And the villains share your raaaaaaaaaaaage You wanna be in the evil seat, heroes are all the same You wanna go where everybody hates your face♪

It's 1989, and we're at a retro Villain Pub. Pennywise the Dancing Clown is heard screaming as he crashes into the pub. He gets up and recomposes himself.

Joker (Jack Nicholson): Well, hallelujah, boys; it's raining clowns in here. (laughs)

Pennywise: What is this? Where am I?

Freddy Krueger: Easy there, clown man. You're with friends.

Palpatine: Welcome to my villainous abode. What can I get you?

Pennywise: Do you have any children flesh laced with human fear?

Palpatine: Uh... We have some children of the corn. (cut to Issac and Malachi)

Pennywise: Ew! No thank you.

Palpatine: You like Gremlins? We have lots of those.

Pennywise: No... it's just not the same.

Joker: Why so glum, my clown-faced chum? You look like you got beaten up by a bunch of kids with baseball bats.

Pennywise: I did, actually! Turns out kids are really violent!

Palpatine: Oh, I'm afraid children can be very evil. Isn't that right, Damien? (Cut to Damien with Ave Satani in the background) You want to eat Damien?

Pennywise: I don't understand what happened. I had the kids scared and right where I wanted them, but then suddenly they were all brave, and completely stronger than me.

Joker: Why weren't they scared of you anymore? I though kids were terrified of clowns.

Pennywise: I have no idea! I did my scary dance and everything! (goes to the entrance of the pub and performs his infamous clomp dance while chanting "Boom!" before heading back to his seat) See?!

Freddy: Oh, come on!

Palpatine: Well, that may have had something to do with it.

Pennywise: That didn't scare you? I must be losing my touch.

Freddy: Have you tried attacking them in their sleep? I find that to be way easier.

Pennywise: I'm more of a daytime scare kind of guy.

Chucky: Have you tried scary dolls? Dolls always work. Well... until your personality gets too campy then it starts to wear off.

Pennywise: I filled a whole room with clown dolls for this one kid! Then I popped out and I was all, "Beep beep, Ritchie!"

Freddy: And then you ate him?

Pennywise: No. I just let him run away.

Freddy: Oh, come on, man!

Joker: I don't know whether I should laugh or cry.

Freddy: Why are you even talking to the kids?

Pennywise: Because they taste better when they're scared!

Palpatine: Well sometimes not saying anything is so much more terrifying. Isn't that right, Michael? (cut to Michael Myers with the Halloween theme) And isn't that right, Jason? (cut to Jason Voorhees) Do you see what I mean? If they used their real voice, it would totally ruin the effect.

Jason: Hey that's not very nice, you silly silly Sith Lord!

Palpatine: I rest my case.

Pennywise: It shouldn't be this difficult for me, though. I can take the form of your greatest fear. Watch. (transforms into Darth Vader) I'm leaving the dark side, my master. You were wrong and there is still good in me and I'm gonna go join my son now because I'm not actually evil. You failed! You're a giant failure and the rebels are more fun!

Palpatine: THAT'S ENOUGH! (IT reverts back to Pennywise) Please don't do that again.

Pennywise: And that is usually enough!

Joker: Ah, well, here's your real problem: you gotta follow through. Because now that you've hurt old Palpatine's feelings, he's not going to let you do that again. Go on, try it.

Pennywise: (turns back into Vader) I'm gonna through you down a maintenance shaft!

Palpatine: UNLIMITED POWER!!!! (shocks Pennywise/Vader with Force lightning, reverting him back to normal)

Joker: You see, there's always a breaking point. As fun as it is, you can't just keep playing with your target. It's easy to get them scared at first, but eventually, they are gonna get wise and turn the tables against you.

Young Zod: Ugh. Heroes are so annoying.

Freddy: Yeah, I had a girl hit me with a sledgehammer and then light me on fire.

Terminator: Sarah Conner squished me in a metal press.

David: I got stabbed with deer antlers.

Xenomorph: (hisses)

Leatherface: Tell me about it!

Joker: It happens every time.

Pennywise: Well, this sucks! (starts to flake)

Demogorgon: Hey, you're starting to flake out! I know what that's like!

Pennywise: I guess I'll just hibernate then.

Palpatine: Oh, don't despair, Pennywise. Even though you've gotten your face beaten in by a bunch of little children and it's totally embarrassing, there is one thing you horror monsters always have that gives you a second chance at revenge.

Pennywise: And what's that?

Palpatine: The sequels.

(Several villains agree.)

Jason: And sometimes you get, like, so many sequels you don't even know what to do with them!

Palpatine: TAKING MANHATTAN IS NOT WORTH BRAGGING ABOUT, JASON!

The End