How Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Should Have Ended

Transcript
fter the Marvel Studios inspired logo, we open with Rocket telling Baby Groot what to do with the bomb that will kill Ego.

Rocket: The fate of the universe lies on your shoulders. So whatever you do, don't push this button-.

Baby Groot: (pressing the death button) I am Groot.

Rocket: DAH, HE PUSHED IT!

The entire planet explodes. Cue title. We begin with our heroes leaving the chamber after receiving Nebula. Drax walks beside Rocket.

Drax: What were you thinking? You're lucky they did not kill you.

Rocket: You're telling me. You wanna buy some batteries? (begins laughing)

Random guy 1: Did he just say he stole our batteries?

Rocket: Uh-oh.

Random guy 2: He did! I heard him!

Random chick 1: Me too!

Random chick 2: Me three!

Random guy 3: Me gold!

Rocket: If I could just explain-.

Priestess: Murder him!

Cut to later in The Milano.

Star-Lord: Okay, we all agree Rocket got himself killed, right?

Gamora: Absolutely.

Drax: Of course. Without a doubt.

Baby Groot: I am Groot.

Fast forward to our heroes meeting Ego and Mantis.

Ego: After all these years, I've found you.

Star-Lord: And who the heck are you?

Ego: Well, I thought my rugged good looks would've given me away. I'm your dad, Peter.

Star-Lord: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Cue the sound of running footsteps, heading towards our heroes as we are reunited with...

Darth Vader: YOU HAVE A SON?! THIS IS WONDERFUL! YOU SHOULD TELL EVERYONE! PETER, DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS?! Join him and together you can rule the galaxy as father and son.

Ego: Whoa. Whoa. Hold on, that's not what I'm trying to do. (chuckles)

Star-Lord: HOLY CRAP, DARTH VADER IS REAL?!

Fast forward to Rocket, laughing his ass off at Taserface's name.

Rocket: What kind of a name is Taserface?! Do tasers actually come out of your face?! (goes into laughter)

Taserface: (his face opening up to reveal tasers inside his face) As a matter of fact, they do. (tases Rocket, laughing) This is not metaphorical!

Fast forward to Mantis putting Ego to sleep in the weird ship thingy.

Mantis: (putting Ego to sleep) Sleeeeeeeeeeep...

Star-Lord: You don't think it's weird to get invited onto a ship and they immediately go take a nap?

Mantis: (whispering) You are all in great danger! This fool is evil! You've got to get out of here!

Star-Lord: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Fast forward to the best scene in the movie as we see Yondu killing his men with his arrow. He and Rocket enter the next room... only for the nearest dude to shoot the fin off of Yondu's head, causing Yondu to fall to his death.

Ravager: Great shot, Frank!

Frank: Hey, thanks. Y'know, at first I thought I should shout "Down there!", really obvious like, giving away my position and whatnot. But then I thought nah, just shoot him now. Y'know?

Ravager: Yeah, good call. He probably would've killed all of us on account of that mutiny and all.

Frank: I know! Boy, that would've stunk.

Ravager: It sure would for us.

Frank: Luckily I'm really really smar-.

Rocket shoots them both. Fast forward to Baby Groot planting the bomb on Ego's brain. Cut to Peter fighting Ego.

Ego: (sensing Baby Groot planting and preparing to arm the bomb) Wait, Peter, hold on a second! (teleports)

Baby Groot is about to press the button when Ego appears.

Ego: Hey there, little wooden child. What ya doing with that bomb there near my brain?

Ego then whacks Baby Groot, sending him and the bomb into space.

Baby Groot: I AM GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!

The bomb explodes in space. Cut to later in The Villain Pub.

Ego: So then I won the fight, and my expansion idea was able to takeoff, and now I am currently taking over the entire universe.

The villains laugh.

Joker: That is fantastic!

Voldemort: Amazing!

Ego: So... You guys might wanna get going.

Voldemort: What?

Thanos: (terrified) I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS!

They all get killed by the expansion. Fast forward.

But this is how it really should have ended...

In The Ravager's ship, our heroes begin cutting into Ego's core with those laser things when...

Kraaglin: Uh, Cap? Remember that Ayesha chick?

Yondu: OH CRAP!

The Sovereign fleet show up to kill our heroes. They chase them through the core.

Yondu: We're in a tight spot, boy!

Drax, Gamora and Mantis get sent flying out of the ship and land safely on the ground.

Star-Lord: Yeah, if only we had an insanely accurate weapon that can take out multiple targets at once! (notices Yondu isn't catching on) AND goes through metal!

Yondu: What, you mean like a bunch of lasers?

Star-Lord: I MEAN YOUR FREAKIN' ARROW, DUDE!

Yondu: Oh yeah, sure! Psssssh, I knew that! I just wanted to know if you'd think that-.

Star-Lord: JUST SHUT YOUR BLUE FACE AND THROW THE ARROW!

Yondu: Alright, I'm going.

Yondu whistles and takes out The Sovereign Fleet.

Rocket: Well, that was easier than I expected.

Baby Groot: I am Groot.

Then suddenly!

Big Ego: RAAAAAAAAAAAGH! JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN'?!

Mantis: (touching Ego's planet vein thingy) SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!

Big Ego then goes to sleep. Drax bursts into laughter. Cut to later in The Super Cafe. Superman is in shock as Star-Lord finishes telling their story.

Star-Lord: And so we blew up my father because he was evil and insane. And also a planet.

Yondu: And I helped! And also survived!

Batman: (to Mantis) Hey, what's up? I'm Batman. You wanna know my secret identity?

Mantis: (placing her hand on Batman's face) Sleep...

Batman hits the table face first and goes to sleep.

Nebula: Well, that's a nice trick.

Superman: So you killed your own father?! That's crazy!

Star-Lord: No, HE was crazy! And besides, he may have been my father but he wasn't my daddy.

Yondu: Eh, it sounds less manly when you say it.

Star-Lord: Yeah, I realise that now. Sorry. (beat) Dad?

Yondu: Oh, we ain't there yet, boy.

Rocket: Well, hooray for everyone and their dads. Y'know SOME of us never had a father.

Mantis: Like the talking puppy, I too never knew my father.

Drax: I knew my father extremely well. He was a lovemachine and would tell us stories about it regularly.

Everyone groans.

Star-Lord: Oh my gosh, we all know your dad was a hornball. We get it. Everybody has some knid of dad drama.

Silence.

Gamora: My father is probably gonna kill everyone on this planet.

Superman & Nebula: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Superman: Jinx! Anyways, I had two dads as well and, if I could, I would've tried to save them.

Batman: (waking up) YOU LET PA KENT DIE IN A TORNADO!

Superman: DUDE! I thought you were asleep!

Batman: I was, but I was also still listening. Because I'm Batman.

Baby Groot: I am Groot.

Batman: I'm Batman!

Baby Groot: I am Groot!

Batman: (simultaneously with Star-Lord) I'm Batman!

Star-Lord: (simultaneously with Batman) Here we go again.

Yondu: Well I'm Mary Poppins, y'all.

Everyone stares in shock.

Superman: Oh no.

Baby Groot: I am Groot!

Batman: I'm Batman!

Yondu: I'm Mary Poppins, Y'all!

Baby Groot: I AM GROOT!

Batman: I'M BATMAN!

Yondu: I'M MARY POPPINS, Y'ALL!

Superman facepalms.

Baby Groot: I AM GROOT!

Batman: I'M BATMAN!

Yondu: I'M MARY POPPINS, Y'ALL!

Batman: I'M BAAAAATMAAAAAAAN!

Baby Groot: I AM GROOOOOOOOOOT!

Yondu: I'M MARY POPPINS, Y'ALL!!!

Then suddenly!

Mary Poppins: (outside) Did someone call my name?

Star-Lord: HOLY CRAP, MARY POPPINS IS REAL?!

Yondu: WHAT?! MARY POPPINS IS A WOMAN?!

The end.

Cut to The Sovereign homeworld. A servant approaches The Priestess.

Servant: High Priestess, they met in The Cafe again.

Priestess: Typical. So predictable. (turning her attention to Adam Warlock's cocoon) When they see what I've created here, their precious cafe will be ruined. I think I shall call him...

Dramatic pause.

Priestess: Martha!