How The Avengers Should Have Ended/Transcript

(HISHE titles play while over them Cap tells Thor to put his hammer away off screen.)

Thor: (Angrily) YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE HAMMER DOWN?!

(SMASH! Thor slams the hammer into the ground causing Iron Man to crash into a tree. Smoke then fills the screen and when it leaves it cuts to Iron Man, Cap, and Thor coughing.)

Cap: Are we done here?

(The camera changes to show them looking at Loki who is still watching on a hill.)

Loki: Hello!

Iron Man: You're still here?

Loki: Yes!

Thor: Why didn't you run away whilst we settled our differences?

(changes to show them looking at Loki)

Loki: I'll never tell! Muhuhahaha... Hmmhmmhmmhmm...Muhuhuhahaha...hahahahaha!

Cap: Okay, we're not taking him back to base. He is DEFINITELY up to something!

(Thor nods in agreement)

Cue title and the Battle of New York

Cap: (running) Whoa! Haha! Shield!

Iron Man: (leaing Leviathans) Gentlemen, right this way!

Hawkeye: (unintelligible as he sucessfully shoots a Chitauri without looking)

(Hulk roars)

Hulk and Thor fight on a Leviathan)

Thor: Ha! Here comes the hammer!

Black Widow: (fires gun at Chitauri) Pew pew pew!

Cap: (tucks into a ball) Captainball!

Thor: (on the antenna of the Chrysler Building) From whence it came!

(camera focus back on the Helicarrier)

Nick Fury: (pointing gun to unknown caller) Say "what" again! I dare you! I DOUBLE dare you!

Black Widow: (stabs Chitauri soldier)

Hulk: (Smashes Loki in Stark Tower) Puny god, puny god, puny god!

Iron Man: (holding a giant missile) (grunts) Tank Missile!

(aftermath of the Battle of New York)

(Hulk pants)

Iron Man: Hey you guys ever had shawarma?

(music ends)

(Cut to the Super Cafe)

Superman: This place serves food?!

Iron Man: Yeah, you guys never had shawarma either?

Hulk: SHAWARMA!

(hungrily devours shawarma)

Cap: Why do I have to sit on Hulk's lap?

Thor: Mmm Another!

(smashes)

Batman: (to Black Widow) Hey... I'm Batman. You wanna know my secret identity?

Black Widow: ...why?

Superman: (clears throat) So, you guys had quite a weekend.

Cap: Heh, that's an understatement.

Superman: First you guys were all against each other, then your buddy got killed, so you're suddenly friends...

Hulk: Pffh! Someone die?

Iron Man: Uh...yeah, you kinda missed out on that part.

Black Widow: But luckily, you still wanted to be friends later.

Hulk: Oh.

Batman: Right, after you fell from the sky and conveniently learned to control your rage...

Superman: And did you steal a motorcycle?

Hulk: Um. Details not important...

Superman: Details like Odin being able to send Thor back to Earth?

Thor: What?

Batman: Or the professor conveniently making a way to close the portal? That worked out well for you guys.

Superman: Or the Chitauri all dying "Phantom Menace" style after the nuke?

Batman: Yep. One convenient thing after another...

Cap: Hmm, kind of like your utility belt!

(Avengers laugh)

Iron Man: You know what I think? I think you two are just jealous that we knocked it out of the park.

(Avengers indistinctly cheering)

Hawkeye: Sorry, guys...

Batman: I'm not jealous. I'm Batman...

Superman: I guess I would be jealous... if I wasn't, like, all of you combined. If I couldn't fly or shoot lasers or catch missiles and see really far, smash through buildings and wear red and blue...

(money rustling)

Iron Man: What's that? You're fading out...

Cap: Whoa! We've broken too many records!

Thor: We can't hear you through all of this box office money...

(Avengers laugh)

(Batman sighs)

Hulk: Shawarma!

The End

(epic music plays)

Hawkeye: Natasha? Do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts...right here. Not here... or here so much, but right here.

( close up of Hawkeye with a huge spot on his forehead)

Black Widow: Nope. Ship shape.

Cap: Hey guys, time to suit up...oh my GOSH, what happened to your face?!

Hawkeye: I knew it...