How Spider-Man 3 Should Have Ended

Characters

 * Peter Parker/Spider-Man
 * Mary-Jane
 * Harry Osborn/New Goblin
 * Spider-Man Fan
 * Eddie Brock/Venom
 * Flint Marko
 * Aunt May
 * Gwen Stacy
 * Gwen Stacy's Dad
 * Stan Lee
 * Scientists
 * Superman
 * Batman
 * Spider-Man Dancer
 * Bernard
 * Ash Williams

Plot
The plot of Spider-Man 3 is only ever so slightly changed from the movie. It starts off with Spider-Man doing the beginning narration but is interrupted by a little boy who tells him to stop narrating. Then, it shows Peter tell Aunt May he wants to marry MJ so Aunt May tells him about a story that will 'only make you feel bad and make the wrong decisions'. Then Marko falls into the particle sand testing area but is found by the scientists and is arrested. Soon after, Gwen is shown hanging from a building with Eddie and Mr.Stacy looking and they say what is she doing here when Stan Lee tells him that she's trying to to fall her death. It then shows Peter and Mary-Jane break up due to Peter crying too much. It now shows Peter strut past Superman and Batman at the diner and Batman shows Superman a video of Spider-Man doing a silly dance. Bernard then tells Harry that his father died from the glider and Harry then fires him for not telling him until Harry takes a pumpkin bomb to the face. Spider-Man and Venom are shown arguing about Venoms face and Venom's plan while Harry comes to help and a bird that a scientist lets survive from a sand mutation hits Harry in the face, causing him to crash and release 6 pumpkin bombs at Venom, killing him. The main video ends with Mary-Jane stating that Peter punched her in the face earlier. The end of the video shows a sand-mutated bird (the same one the scientist let go) telling Ash Williams (Army of Darkness) to avenge it, ending with Ash replying, "Groovy".

Transcript
We open with our resident wall crawler giving an opening narration while swinging around the city.

Spider-Man: Hey there! It's me, Peter Parker. Your friendly neighborhood... you know. I've come a long way after being bit by a spider. Before, nothing went right for me. Now people really like me. I keep the cit safe, I'm the top of my class, and I'm even in love with the girl of my dreams!

Boy: Spider-Man, will you stop narrating please?

Spider-Man: What?

Boy: You were narrating. It's kind of unnecessary.

Spider-Man: Unnecessary? But how are people going to know what I've been up to all this time?

Boy: Spider-Man, we're not idiots. Just go and do your thing.:D

Spider-Man: Oh, well... alright then. [swings off] But what if I need to tell the audience something about-?

Boy: NO NARRATING!!!

Fast forward. Peter meets his aunt in a care home (I think that's where she spent most of the movie?).

Peter Parker: I'm gonna ask M.J. to marry me.

Aunt May: Oh that reminds me of a long boring story about your uncle that will only you feel guilty and make the wrong decisions in life!

Fast forward. Cue Flint Marko falling into the sand mutation experiment site.

Flint: Ugh...

Cut to the control room where we are introduced to those three scientists.

Scientist 1: There's a change in the silicone mass.

Scientist 2: Yeah, it's probably just a bird.

Scientist 3: Here's a bright idea! Why don't you make SURE it's a bird before you mutate the crap out of something just because you were too lazy to safely run this nighttime sand-mutation experiment?

Scientist 2: Ugh, fine.

The safety barrier is lifted and the experimental equipment is shut down, looks out into the pit.

Scientist 2: That is a big bird down there. Kind of looks like a guy. Oh, wait, it IS a guy down there!

Cut to Flint Marco being put in a police van.

Flint: You- you don't understand! I have a daughter, she's sick! That makes it okay for me to break the law! I'm not a bad person!

Fast forward. Gwen Stacy hangs off the edge of a building.

Gwen Stacy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Eddie: Oh no, It's Gwen!

Captain Stacy: What? What's she doing up here?

Stan Lee: She's trying not to fall of her death you idiot! Why don't you show a little concern?! What is it with fathers being completely brainless in this picture?

Gwen Stacy: SOMEBODY FREAKIN' HELP ME!!!

Fast Forward. Mary Jane breaks up with Peter while Peter does what he normally does in these three films.

Peter Parker: [sobbing] But, what do you mean? But I love you... and... you love me... and the ring... and the red hair... and I'm SPIDER-MAN!

Mary Jane: [speaking for the sane Spider-Man fans] UGH! Because you cry too much, okay!?

Peter Parker: [sobbing intesifies]

Mary Jane Watson: I didn't even want to do this but you're freakin annoying!

Peter Parker: You can do this... [sobbing intesifies more]

Fast forward. Emo Peter is doing that emo dance in the street. Cut to The Super Cafe after the events of Superman HISHE.

Batman: Because I'm Batman

Superman: Dude, it's cool.

Emo Spidey walks past the window.

Superman: What the heck was that?

Batman: Peter Parker just did a Saturday Fever strut across our window.

Superman: I know, but why?

Batman: I'm not sure, but I was afraid something like this would happen.

Superman: What makes you say that?

Batman: (getting out The Batphone) Uh, have you seen this?!

He plays a video of someone dancing in a Spider-Man costume to a hip-hop version of the Spider-Man theme song.

Superman: Ugh. (facepalms)

Fast Forward. Bernard, The Osborne Family Butler, tells Harry the truth about Norman's death.

Bernard: The night your father died, I cleaned his wound. The blade that pierced his body came from his glider. There's no question, your father died by his own hand.

Harry: You are so fired.

Bernard: What?

Harry: You've known that this whole time... and you pick now to tell me?

Bernard: I thought this would be the best time to tell you the truth.

Harry: I TOOK A GRENADE TO THE FACE, DUDE!

Fast forward. It's time for the final confrontation of the film, minus Sandman.

Venom: [takes off symbiote mask to reveal Eddie Brock's face] Hey, Parker.

Spider-Man: Eddie! ...wait, why do you have a scary Venom face if you're just gonna peel it back when you talk?

Venom: Because this way I get more face time!

Spider-Man: That's lame.

Venom: YOU'RE lame! And now I'm gonna kill your girlfriend!

Spider-Man: [completely unfettered] Oh, there's a big surprise. Out of all the dastardly plots you could put together, you wanna threaten my girlfriend. Just like EVERY other villain I've encountered.

Cue brief shot of Mary Jane bored out of her mind.

Venom: Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Spider-Man: Seriously? You rush in here like you can take ME? This is my third movie! Spider-Man TRES, amigo! You think they're gonna kill me off!? NO! Look, do you know of ANY movies where they kill the title character off at the end?

Venom: Donnie Darko...Old Yeller...Romeo & Juliet...

Spider-Man: Yeah. I didn't think so.

Harry: [flying to where the climatic battle is taking place] Hang on, Pete! I'm *coming for ya, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend!

Spider-Man: I'm just saying. There's only one way this is going to go down. It happens every time. We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask. But in the end, I'm just gonna leap out of the way, and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself!

Venom: Or maybe I'm just gonna kill you and your girlfriend, because I'm awesome and you've met your match!

Cut briefly to The Sand Mutation Experiment Facility.

Scientist 2: [releases bird] Fly away, pretty bird. No sand mutation for you tonight.

Harry: Oh, I can't wait to help my best friend in the whole wide world!

Spider-Man: I promise you! Things are already in motion! You still have a chance to walk away here!

Harry: Here I come, Pete! I'll help ya save the day! No matter what, I'll help ya— BIIIRD!! [gets hit in the face by the bird the scientist just released, and crashes into the construction frame. Pumpkin bombs go flying from the glider]

Venom: Quit talking like you're in control, Parker! You're just a bug trapped in the web I—

Spider-Man: Aaand leap... [jumps out of the way of the pumpkin bombs]

Venom: Aw, dang, he was telling the truth. [gets blown up]

Spider-Man: Yep! Happens every time!

Mary Jane Watson: You punched me in the face earlier!

The end.

We cut to Ash from The Evil Dead with the ghost of the bird that Harry killed.

Bird: You've taken your eye off the ball.

Silence.

Bird: AVENGE ME!!!

Ash: Groovy.