How Rogue One: A Star Wars Story Should Have Ended



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Transcript
HISHEFILM Ltd.

Long ago in a galaxy bla bla you know the rest...

Rogue One: How It Should Have Ended

THIS IS A TITLE CRAWL

Was that so difficult? I mean this couldn't possibly have been more challenging to make than CG Tarkin.

Anyways... ON WITH THE VIDEO!!!

We begin with Krenic arriving at Erso's farm.

Pilot: Okay, sir, we've arrived at Erso Farm.

Krennic: Excellent work, pilot. Now, circle around a couple of times and land extremely far away.

Pilot: Far away, sir?

Krennic: Yes. Land, like, 400 yards away and we'll all walk together in a straight line. It will look amazing.

Pilot: Wouldn't that give them plenty of time to run away or something or hide?

Krennic: No, it will be intimidating and everyone is going to love it!

Death Trooper 1: *scrambled audio*

Krennic: What did you say?

Death Trooper 1: *scrambled audio*

Krennic: NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS, FOR REAL! You don't have to scramble your words ALL the time!

Death Trooper 1: I said I don't really want to walk 400 yards.

Death Trooper 2: Yeah, me either.

Krennic: OKAY, FINE! We'll land right at their doorstep! Geez! Why don't you take the epicness out of everything!

They land right beside the farm and greet Galen Erso (We get it, Kennedy! Force Unleashed isn't Canon anymore!)

Krennic: (really happy) Galen!

Mrs. Erso: (shooting the bad guys right of the bat) YOU WILL NEVER WIN!

Fast forward to Jynn watching Galen's message with Saw.

Galen: You'll need the structural plans to The Death Star and I know there's a data archive on Scariff. Pftftftftft! But that would be a TOTAL suicide mission and I'd never send my daughter into harms way. So instead I just copied the plans to a disk and hid them with the pilot, Bodhi, along with this message.

Jynn: The plans are with Bodhi?!

Saw: Oh yes, the pilot! He was carrying these plans.

Bodhi, looking out of his cell, just gives an eye roll.

Saw: Your father was a wise man.

Cassian: Jynn, we have to go!

The heroes leave.

Saw: Save the Rebellion! Save the dream! (notices he still has the plans) Oh, and save your message! Jynn, you left it behind!

Jynn: Oh my gosh!

Saw: You must be more careful, my dear.

Jynn: Thank you so much.

Saw: No problem. Now have a good trip escaping the impending tidal wave of death.

Jynn: Are you not coming with us?

Saw: No, Jynn. I will run no longer.

Jynn: That makes no sense. I feel like we just got here but whatever. Peace out!

Saw: I make no sense. Byyyyyyyyeeeeeeee!

Fast forward to Jynn watching her father meet Krennic at that facility.

Jynn: (shooting everyone) FAAAAAAATHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!

Death Trooper: What the?! (gets shot) AH!

Death Trooper: Over There! (gets shot) AH!

Cassian: Crap! (starts shooting everyone)

Stormtrooper: WE'RE SURROUNDED! (gets shot) AH!

Baze: ALRIGHT! (starts shooting everyone)

Jynn: Father, it's me!

Galen: Starchild?

Jynn: Let's get out of here!

They leave as an X-Wing bombs the place. Cue Wilhelm Scream. Fast forward to Krennic meeting Darth Vader.

Krennic: So I'm still in command?

Darth Vader: (placing his hand on Krennic's shoulder) Do you feel in charge?

Krennic: But I built you a Death Star.

Darth Vader: And this gives you power over me? (walks away, Force Choking Krennic)

Krennic: I can't breathe. (falls onto his knees)

Darth Vader: (turning back) Be careful not to... CHOKE on your asperations, Director. (lets Krennic live and begins to leave)

Krennic: Dad jokes? Really?

Darth Vader: (turning back) Dad jokes?! What do you mean?! Why would you say that?! Do you think I'm a father?!

Krennic: No, Lord Vader. It's just what you said was what they call a Dad joke.

Darth Vader: Mmmmhmmmmmm.

Krennic: Like a bad pun.

Darth Vader: Oh.

Krennic: So... not a father.

Darth Vader: How... unfortunate. Because if I was a father, I'd be very excited about it.

Fast forward to Chirrut's death.

Chirrut: I am one with The Force and The Force is with me. I am one with The Force and The Force is with me.

Baze: Chirrut, no!

Chirrut: I am one with The Force and The Force is with me. (turning his stick into a lightsabre) And now, I have a lightsabre. (starts going Jedi on The Imperials)

Baze: What the?! Where did that come from?!

Chirrut: Jynn let me borrow her Khyber Crystal! So I made my staff a lightsabre!

Baze: When?!

Chirrut: Don't worry about it! I'm a Jedi now and that's all there is to it! (using The Force to pull the lever) Force!

Baze: Yes!

Then...

A Stormtrooper throws a grenade at Bodhi, who then throws it back out.

Stormtrooper: (to another Stormtrooper) Hey did you see that? I totally threw a grenade in-. (sees the grenade) HOLY CRAP!

The troopers are dead.

Then...

Jynn and Cassian are on the beach, watching The Death Star destroy the entire area.

Cassian: So we only have like a few moments left to live. You wanna make out or something?

Jynn: Yes!

They lean in, about to kiss, buuuuuut K-2SO arrives in a V-Wing.

K-2SO: Congratulations. You are being rescued.

Cassian: K!

Jynn: K-2SO!

K-2SO: Are you serious? You were about to make out with her? Do you know where she's been?

Cassian: How are you still alive?

K-2SO: I told you our chances of survival were under 30%, which is why I preemptively copied my memory banks into that other droid we hacked earlier. Duh.

Jynn: Well, that's really smart, K.

Bodhi: And we're all still alive too!

Chirrut: And I'm a Jedi!

Cassian: Really?! How in the world?!

K-2SO: No time to explain! We've got to go! Hurry up!

Cassian: Oh, right.

They then leave as the explosion gets closer.

K-2SO: I'm a leaf on the wind! I'm a leaf on the wind!

But this is how it really should have ended...

The rebels look towards the dark corridor. Nothing but darkness can be seen until Vader ignites his lightsabre.

Darth Vader: What up, noobs?

Rebel: OPEN FIRE!

Darth Vader: (blocking and deflecting every shot) Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, excuse me. Lift. Yes, firing lasers. Firing lasers. It's really working quite well. Yes yes yes. (pulling the blasters out of their hands) Whoops. Excuse me. Coming through. And...

Rebel: (holding the plans over to soldiers on the other side of the door) TAKE IT!

Darth Vader: (using the Force) Yoink! (gets the plans and kills the rebel, who lets out the Wilhelm Scream) Hehehe... All to easy.

The end.

Cut to Death Star.

Operator: There's something different about you, Tarkin. Did you lose weight? No? A new haircut perhaps? No, that's not it. Oh, you know what, it's the digital face. I see it now.

Silence.

Tarkin: You may admire when ready.