How The Dark Knight Should Have Ended

Synopsis
Superman recounts the events of Superman Returns, but Batman gets annoyed and transforms into his Christian Bale incarnation. He runs off without answering Superman's question of his new stage voice.

In Gotham, Joker shows off his magic trick but is outnumbered by the pencil trick. Joker throws Rachel off the roof but Batman jumps down and saves her. He then refuses to go back and catch Joker, believing everyone to be fine. Batman is shot at by Joker and runs him over with The Bat-Pod.

Back at the Super Cafe, Batman tells Superman that Joker wasn't killed and Superman bets Gotham loves him. But Batman reveals that Joker had an unbeatable plan and now the city hates him. Superman then asks that if their gonna talk when the Batman Forever villains arrive, and Batman answers 'yes.' Later, Commissioner Gordon can't understand what Two-Face is saying and Two-Face carries on speaking gibberish.

Transcript
(We begin with Superman telling his version of the ending of Superman Returns)

Superman: So I just lifted the entire island out of the ocean and I was about to throw it into outer spa-.

Batman: STOP TALKING! (transforms into his movie form) It's my turn now.

Superman: Well, it's about ti-. Wait, is that your new stage voice?

Batman: Yeah. What about it?

Superman: Well, I mean, are you, like, gargling marbles or something? I can barely understa-.

Batman: ZAAARGHHSGAHHHAAAARRGGHHHAARRGGH!!!!!!!! (leaves)

(Logo. Begin with magic pencil scene)

Joker: How about a magic trick? (sticks a pencil into the table) I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. (A goon attempts to grab him but gets slammed into the area the pencil was imbedded) TA-DA! It's gone!

Russian: That wasn't a magic trick. I saw the pencil went up into his eye. This is lame.

(Fast forward to the "Let her go" scene)

Batman: Let her go.

Joker: Very poor choice of words. (lets go of Rachel, who falls to her death)

Batman: RACHEL! (goes after her)

Rachel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Batman: (grabs Rachel) I got ya!

(They land on a car roof, crushing it)

Batman: You alright?

Rachel: I'm okay. I don't know how we completely smashed this car.

Batman: Hm.

Rachel: So, are you gonna go back up and catch Joker?

Batman: Hmmmmm...... Nah. I'm sure everything's fine.

(Fast forward to the best bit. Batman is driving towards Joker on the Bat-Pod)

Joker: Come on. Come on. I want you to do it. Come on!

(Batman is gaining)

Joker: Come on. Come on. I want you to do it. I want you to do it. Come on. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

Batman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

Joker: Hit me!

Batman: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

Joker: HIT ME!

Batman: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

(Cut to later in The Super Cafe)

Batman: Whamo.

Superman: Whoa! Hold on a second! You hit him?!

Batman: Yep.

Superman: You hit The Joker?!

Batman: Uh-huh.

Superman: You ran over a human being?!

Batman: Sure did.

Superman: But.....? What about your rule?!

Batman: (takes a sip of his coffee) Didn't kill him.

(Cut to a hospital room. Joker is in a full-bodied cast)

Joker: (groans) Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

Nurse: Mm. From Batman?

Joker: From Batman.

(Cut back to The Super Cafe)

Batman: Hey, he SAID he wanted me to do it.

Superman: You, sir, are bold. I bet Gotham loves you now.

Batman: Well, it turns out that Joker already had this unbeatable plan. A lot of people died and now the city hates me.

Superman: What?! They hate you?! How is this a good story?

Batman: It's because I'm the hero Gotham deserves but not the one it needs. It's complicated but pretty awesome once you think about it.

Superman: Yeah, I don't know what any of that means. But, Dude, do you know what I would've done?

Batman: Oh, I don't know. Probably just....

Both: Fly really fast, saving everyone from the bullets and explosions.

Superman: Exactly!

Batman: Yeah, well, I can't do all those things because I'm not a super bulletproof alien from another planet that can defy gravity. But do you know what I can do?

Superman: What's that?

Batman: Make an incredibly awesome movie! Do you know why?

Superman: Because you're-.

Batman: Because I'm Batman!

The end.

Superman: So, are we just gonna pretend, like, those guys never happen?

(Pan over to Original Film versions of Riddler, Two-Face, Penguin, and Mr. Freeze. Pan back)

Superman: Is that what we're doing?

Batman: Yep.

(Cut to Jim Gordon with Two-Face)

Gordon: How are you even speaking so clearly?!

Two-Face: I makes no sense! I should be like "IIII've onla got ha a faaaaaa."