How Captain America: Civil War Should Have Ended



How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended is the HISHE for Captain America Civil War.

Plot
The HISHE begins with Steve Rogers attempting to stop Bucky Barnes from making a getaway on a helicopter. Bucky is overwhelmed by Steve's attractive physique and crashes the helicopter.

In Lagos, Captain America and Black Widow pursue Crossbones through the street, but Vision captures Crossbones.

At the Avengers building, Secretary Ross informs the Avengers of their collateral damage. However, the Avengers clarify that they were doing the right thing, pointing out that Vision was worthy of Mjolnir. Captain America then decides to change the Sokovia Accords to the Tony Accords, since Tony was the one who acts reckless at most and created Ultron, and all agree to sign it, much to Tony's displeasure.

At Peter Parker's apartment, Peter tries to explain to Tony Stark why he fights crime. Tony realizes that Peter said a variant of "With great power comes great responsibility" and goads him into saying the right line.

At the airport battle, Team Cap charges at Team Iron Man. Spider-Man simply webs Team Cap at Iron Man's orders. Iron man congratulates Spider-Man after doing so.

Later, Cap and Bucky attempt to reach the Quinjet. Scott Lang tries to stop Team Iron Man as Giant-Man, but Vision flies through him and fires a laser at the Quinjet, much to Cap's annoyance.

Later, after Rhodey falls to the ground, Tony attempts to check on vitals, but learns that Rhodey is dead, as a fall from that height would have most likely killed someone.

At Siberia, Tony turns on Steve, asking if he knew that Bucky killed Tony's parents. Tony activates a tank missile and aims it at Bucky, but Bucky delivers a heartfelt apology and says he understands if Tony wants him dead. Moved, Tony breaks Zemo out of his cell as Black Panther watches.

During the battle between Iron Man and Cap, Iron Man fires a giant blast Cap and Bucky, killing the two of them.

In Vienna, Zemo attempts to brainwash Bucky, but Bucky breaks his arms free and instead of trying to escape his cell, sticks his fingers in his ears and blocks out Zemo's codewords. Zemo is outraged and tackled by Cap, preventing the conflict from ever happening.

At the Super Café, Team Cap recaps the aftermath to Superman and Batman, the latter disappointed that Cap never fought Iron Man. Team Iron Man, having already assembled, is revealed to be in their own booth. Black Panther tries to join Team Cap while Spider-Man is worried that Tony will date his Aunt May and become his "dad-uncle." After questioning Spider-Man's age, all the superheroes sing Captain America's theme, much to his annoyance, and Tony assumes that Cap is HYDRA. Black Panther decides to get Batman to move from his seat, but an exasperated Superman decides that Black Panther can take his seat. Ant-Man is then revealed to have been sat on by Superman and is traumatized by what he saw.

In a post-credits sequence, Zemo plays with Cap and Iron Man figures, having them make out.

Transcript
Open with Cap, pulling on the helicopter Bucky stole.

Bucky: (after seeing Cap kissing his muscles) AAAAAH, TOO SEXY!

He crashes the copter on the helipad. Cue title. Begin with Cap discovering Crossbones's bomb.

Captain America: He has a biological weapon!

Black Widow: (chasing after the bad guys) I'm on it!

Vision: (carrying Crossbones) There's no need. I have successfully apprehended the suspect.

Black Widow: Vision. You're here.

Vision: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

Fast forward to the meeting with Ross.

Ross: The Avengers are dangerous. You have unlimited power with no supervision.

Steve: You realise the Earth was under attack, right? That footage was us saving the day.

Ross: People die when you "save the day".

Sam: Didn't you guys fire a nuke at the city when The Chitauri showed up?

Avengers: Yeah!

Steve: Yeah, what was that gonna do, shower New York with hugs? Be serious.

Tony: We need to be put in check, guys.

Steve: "We"? Tony, you're the one who's reckless!

Sam: Cough! You made Ultron. Cough!

Natasha: Everyone else in this room... just stop being evil.

Ross: The U.N. doesn't see it that way.

Steve: Tell The U.N. Vision picked up Thor's hammer so we're pretty sure we've been doing the right thing up to this point.

Vision: I did lift the hammer.

Natasha: Just stop being evil.

Sam: That's what I'm sayin'.

Wanda: What happens if we don't sign it.

Ross: Then consider yourselves retired.

Avengers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wanda: That's crazy!

Vision: Jokes are fun.

Steve: (chuckling, and scribbling on The Accords) Let me help you out. Here, just cross out this title, make it say "The Tony Accords", and we'll all sign right now.

Ross: (thinks for a second) Deal.

Tony: Hey!

Fast forward to Peter talking with Tony.

Peter: When you can do the things that I can do but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.

Tony: Nnnnnnnno. That's not it.

Peter: It's not?

Tony: That's not the line. C'mon, say it right.

Peter: What line?

Tony: You know...

Peter: With... great power comes... great responsibility?

Tony: (smug) There it is!

Fast forward to Cap's team charging at Tony's team.

Spider-Man: They're not stopping.

Iron Man: Alright then. Web them up.

Spider-Man webs all of Team Cap to the ground.

Iron Man: Hm. Great job, kid.

Fast forward to Cap and Bucky running towards The Quinjet.

Captain America: GET TO THE HANGAR, BUCK! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!

Giant-Man: Haha! I'm Gi-Ant-Man! (after Vision flies through him) Something just flew in me!

Vision fires a beam... and destroys the Quinjet.

Captain America: VISION! C'MON, MAN!

Vision shrugs. Fast forward to Rhodey hitting the ground after being shot by Vision.

Iron Man: (removing Rhodey's helmet) Give me vitals!

FRIDAY: Oh, he's dead.

Tony: RHOOOOOOOOOOODES!

Rhodey's Tombstone: RIP. Here lies James Rhodes. War Machine. Fell 15,000 feet in a metal suit going 400MPH...

Fast forward to Tony asking Cap if he knew Bucky killed Howard and Maria Stark, after seeing the video Zemo played.

Iron Man: Don't bullcrap me, Rogers. Did you know?

Captain America: Yes. (gets punched by Tony)

Iron Man: TANK MISSILE! (aims at Bucky)

Bucky: I'm sorry, Tony.

Tony raises an eyebrow.

Bucky: I know what I did. I know I hurt you. But I want you to know I'm sorry.

Iron Man: You don't GET to be sorry!

Bucky: You're right. I don't deserve to live.

Captain America: Bucky, that's not true! What you did, it wasn't you.

Bucky: I can speak for myself, Steve! Gah! I did those things and I accept the responsibility, but I am sorry.

Tony thinks for seven seconds and lowers his tank missile and starts using a laser to cut open Zemo's hiding place.

Iron Man: Get him outta there. Let's go.

Zemo: NOOOOOOOO! You vere supposed to collapse from ze inside! I vas lucky enough zat Stark even showed up at ze same time as you to watch zis video, and now you're totally foiling my planz! C'mon!

Black Panther, after watching that, disappears into the background. Fast forward.

Or...

Iron Man: (aiming a repulsor at Steve) Stay down. Final warning.

Captain America: I can do this all d-.

Tony blasts the two to death.

Steve's Gravestone: Captain America. Steve Rogers: 1920-2016. Threw a mighty shield. When his girlfriend died, Cap didn't hesitate to make out with her niece.

Bucky's Gravestone: Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes: 1917-2016. He just wanted some plums.

Fast forward.

But this is how it really should have ended...

Cut to the cell Bucky is in as Zemo approaches.

Zemo: (in Russian, reading from the Winter Soldier book) Longing. Rusted. (Bucky begins to break out) Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine.

Bucky then shoves his fingers in his ears and starts speaking over Zemo.

Bucky: (simultaneously with Zemo) La la la la not listening! Not listening! Can't hear you! Fingers in my ears! Hands are free! Simply, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Zemo: (in Russian, simultaneously with Bucky) Benign! Homecoming! One! FREIGHT CAR!

(Zemo finishes reciting the codewords. Nothing happens.)

Bucky: I'm sorry, were you saying something?

Zemo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (gets tackled by Cap)

Cut to later in The Super Cafe. Team Cap, minus Ant-Man, is with Superman and Batman.

Captain America: And so we caught Zemo, found out he was the real person who bombed The U.N., and we never went to Siberia.

Superman: What was in Siberia?

Captain America: Oh, who knows.

Bucky: (burning the Winter Soldier book) Yep, who knows.

Batman: Well, that sounds kind of anticlimactic. I was kind of hoping you guys would fight each other or something. You know, the whole "Choose a Side" trend?

Captain America: Oh, we're still split. Tony's still assembling his team.

Iron Man: Oh, we've already assembled.

Cut to Team Iron Man at their own booth, complete with Vision in Superman's pose and Black Panther in Batman's.

Iron Man: Team Iron Man is where it's at, baby. Any of you jokers want to join? We've even got our own Batman and Superman!

Black Panther: I believe I would prefer to be on Team Captain America.

Iron Man: What?! I thought you were all about The Accords.

Captain America: Nobody is about The Accords, Tony. Not even you.

Black Widow: Yeah, you'll sneak behind their back the second you need something without their consent.

Iron Man: Yeah, but... We've got Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: Mr. Stark, I'm really excited to be here but I gotta ask you a question. Are you gonna date my aunt? Because I don't know if I'm ready for you to be my Dad-Uncle.

Iron Man: Now now, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Spider-Man: Oh, okay. My bad.

Captain America: Is he even old enough to vote?

Iron Man: He's old enough to steal that mighty shield. And you know what that means. ♪Soooooooooooooooo...♪

Superman: ♪Unless you're a plane.♪

Batman: ♪Or a bomb.♪

Superman: ♪Or some ice.♪

Bucky: ♪Or a brainwashed buddy!♪

Spider-Man: ♪Or a Spider-Man!♪

Everyone bar Cap: ♪Then you don't necessarily have to yiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeld!♪

Captain America: Please stop, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Iron Man: Huh, never would've guessed. Cap hates music. What are you, HYDRA or something?

Captain America: No! Why would... Why would you think that?

Iron Man: Well, B.P., if you're not with us, then I believe your seat is over there.

Black Panther: This seems very childish.

Iron Man: Yep.

Black Panther gets up and stands beside Batman.

Black Panther: Move. Or you will be moved.

Batman: Not a chance, Catman. Do you know why?

Black Panther: Why?

Batman: Because I'm Batman!

Superman: (leaving) Oh my gosh, he can have my seat. It's getting too crowded anyway.

Ant-Man: (enlarging from Superman's seat) Ooooooooooooh, thank God! I thought he was never gonna move!

Batman: How long have you been there?

Ant-Man: (whispering) I have seen things!

The End.

After the YouTube outro, Zemo is in that bunker in Siberia.

Zemo: (playing with Cap and Tony toys) Yes, I am Zemo. You're probably wondering vhy I have brought you here. It is not to make you fight but to kiiiiiiiiisssssssssss...

He makes his toys kiss while Black Panther appears behind him.

Zemo: Heheh.