Villain Pub - Into the Loki-Verse

Transcript
'''SPOILER WARNING! This episode contains plot details about the show, Loki'''

Zod: This episode contains talking about the show, Loki. So Spoiler Alert! Or sit back and enjoy. I... I don't care. One or the other. Start the music!

Cue the theme song.

♪Making your way evil today, sure does take a lot.♪ ♪Thinking of ways to distribute hate takes everything you've got.♪ ♪Wouldn't you like to rule the place?♪ ♪Sometimes you wanna go where everybody hates your faaaaaaaaaaaaaace.♪ ♪And the villains share your raaaaaaaaaaaage.♪ ♪You wanna be in the evil seat, heroes are all the same.♪ ♪You wanna go where everybody hates your face.♪

We see the variants of Loki are in The Villain Pub.

Boastful Loki: Greetings, Loki. Let me buy you a drink.

Classic Loki: Why thank you, Loki. Don't mind if I do.

Boastful Loki: And for you, Loki?

Kid Loki: I have my box of juice. I shall require no more refreshment.

Boastful Loki: Very well. Barkeep, a drink for the Loki but not the Loki. Put it under the name... Loki.

Palpatine: Hmm...

President Loki: (walking by) Vote Loki, everyone!

Voldemort: Is it just me or is there an unusual amount of Lokis here today?

Joker: There does seem to be a large gathering of Lokis about.

Cue Alligator Loki trying to eat Captain Hook's left hand, much to the Disney villain's annoyance.

Captain Hook: LET GO YOU WRETCHED REPTILE! WHO LET THIS BLASTED ALLIGATOR IN HERE?!

Kid Loki: Oh, that's just Loki.

Voldemort: What exactly does one call a gathering of Lokis? A gaggle?

Joker: A pride?

Voldemort: A scam?

Joker & Voldemort: Hahahahaha!

Cue Loki running into The Pub in slight terror.

Loki: Everyone, you must listen to me! Something big is happening! Something huge!

Palpatine: Before Zod declares "That's what she said"...

Zod, who was just about to gleefully say those exact words, promptly shuts his mouth and glares at Palps.

Palpatine: Loki, did you start a fan club? Because this is NOT a pub for cosplay.

Zod: That's what she said!

Loki: It's The Multiverse! The Multiverse has been unleashed!

Zod: What the heck are you talking about?

Loki: Okay. There I was, minding my own business, then suddenly, there was a Tesseract at my feet, so I picked it up and was like "HUZZAH!", but The TVA showed up and said "You're not supposed to pick that up so you're under arrest!", then they put me on trial and said "You're gonna get pruned!"...

Joker: They were gonna throw prunes at you?

Loki: No, pruned! It means executed, except later I found out it doesn't really mean executed! It just means send you to The End Of All Time, which is this crazy wasteland!

Zod: Like The Phantom Zone? Loki: I suppose. Except in this wasteland, there's this giant monster cloud that likes to eat people! Brief silence.

Joker: Loki, you can be honest with us. ... Are you on drugs?

Loki: NO! I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Anyway, instead of being pruned, this nice man named Mobius decided to use me to hunt another Loki, who was supposed to be super bad and evil but turned out to be a super cute lovable version of me!

Voldemort: Whaaaaaaaat?! He IS on drugs!

Cue Sylie walking into the room.

Sylvie: He's not on drugs. Hello, everyone.

Zod: Ooooh, she IS cute!

Loki: And then I started to develop feelings for her, which I know makes it seem like I'm just having feelings for myself but this Loki chose to change her name to Sylvie so that made it not so weird-!

Palpatine: Loki, please land the plane! Voldemort: Yes, this is all so confusing.

Loki: I haven't even GOTTEN to the confusing part yet!

Voldemort: OH MY GOSH!

Loki: Okay, summary! My Girlfriend didn't want to live with me happily ever after ruling all of time so she killed The Time Keeper in charge and, by doing so, unleashed infinite new timelines forever altering time as we know it and now there is a threat for a Multiversal War!

Palpatine: ... So what you're saying is there's more Multiverses?

Loki: YES!

Palpatine: And I'm going to have to welcome variants of everyone from an infinite list of timelines?

Loki: IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING!!! UNIVERSES WILL COLLIDE OVER AND OVER! CROSSOVERS GALORE!!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!

Then suddenly, Miss Minutes jumpscare that makes Loki fall out of his seat!

Miss Minutes: Would you like if I explained in a propaganda film?

Loki: What are you doing here? Is this The TVA?

Miss Minutes: No, silly. I'm meeting someone here. Turns out, that someone is...

HAL-9000: Hello there, Good Lookin'.

Miss Minutes: Hey, Shug. Don't wait up, Y'all.

She leaves. I ship it!

Loki: Where was I? Oh yes! We have to restore The Sacred Timeline!

Voldemort: Assuming your timeline is The Sacred Timeline is a bit presumptuous, don't you think? But you are Loki so I'm not surprised.

Joker: Yeah, this Multiverse trend has been happening for a while.

Judge Doom: Plus, universes have been crossing paths for ages.

Joker: Just like here.

Palpatine: Yeeeeeessssssss., just like-. Wait, NO! This is different.

Joker: How?

Palpatine: We get together and we talk but we don't control the outcome of each other's destiny.

Loki: This is all your fault, isn't it, Kingpin?! Everyone ate up The Spider-Verse so much, now we have to bend all the rules to make room for more Spider-Man!

Kingpin: Hey, don't look at me. Flash has been doing The Multiverse thing for a long time. It's practically all they do now.

Reverse Flash: It's true.

Khan: As someone who comes from an altered timeline, I can confidently say this is a headache about turn into a migraine.

Joker: Yeah, only if your story sucks!

Voldemort: Oh, I'm sure if the headache gets too severe, someone will call a doctor.

Joker: Doctor Who?

Palpatine: No, Strange! I thought you would've liked that, Khan.

Zod: Well, I don't like this variant stuff to find out all these ways other versions of me turned out. I mean if they don't all end up with Superman snapping their neck, that'd just make me super depressed to find out I was the only one.

Thanos: I agree. Finding out how other variants of you succeeded where you failed could totally make someone... snap.

Cue rimshot.

Khan: And ultimately, it cheapens the legacy of both universes.

Cue Mobius walking into the room.

Mobius: I think you're all just choosing to look at this from a negative perspective.

Everyone: Huh?

Joker: What the heck?

Mobius: I know you're all villains, you're grouchy, and mean. I get that but the truth is this is a very exciting time. You should embrace the chance to see alternate versions of yourself. The Multiverse is a really big place. Why should you get to be the only you? This opens the door to millions of worlds. All currently established IP. All familiar yet totally new. Don't you see?

Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Zod: You should be on a jet ski right now!

Palpatine: How did you get in here? Bowser!

Bowser leaps into the room.

Bowser: RAAAGH!

Mobius: I'll see myself out.

Mobius leaves via his time device.

Loki: Well, I can't help but feel responsible. All of this happened because of my necessary journey to learn to love myself. Curse my completely voluntary character growth!

Cue the arrival of... OH *CUSS*!!!

Kang The Conqueror: Yes... "Voluntary character growth".

Voldemort: Who was that guy?!

Loki: Ugh, this random person who claims it was all about him.

Kang The Conqueror: *chuckles* See you soon.

Kang leaves the building. Loki is now back to being terrified.

Loki: Okay, so this was also about him and possibly his thousands of variants to come so something must be done! We must put an end to this madness! Who's with me?!

Zod: Eh... I don't know, man.

Loki: Really?!

Palpatine: You know who you're starting to sound like, Loki?

Loki: Someone who knows what they're talking about?!

Palpatine: You sound like a protagonist.

Everyone: Yeah!

Loki: Fine! No one wants to help me, I'll just look elsewhere!

Loki walks towards the door.

Loki: Enjoy your endless list of possible replacements! I mean variants! Good day!

Loki leaves the building. Everyone resumes as if nothing happened.

Voldemort: Scoff! I am the only Lord Of Darkness! Clearly there is no other than what you see before you! And even if there was, I would never fall prey to the interest of an alternate version of myself!

Cue a female variant of Voldemort sitting next to Voldemort.

Lady Voldemort: Oooh! Is this eat taken?

Aaaaaand Voldemort falls in love with his variant.

Voldemort: Well, hello there. What do you say we get out of here and go... manage some mischief together? Ha ha, wink wink. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Villain Pub: Into The Loki-Verse

The End.