Star Wars HISHE: Best Picture Summary 2018

Transcript
We open on Luke staring at the sea when Rey approaches.

Rey: Master Skywalker, you seem troubled. Has something happened?

Luke: Unfortunately, something didn't happen. I have bad news, Rey. I just received word... that we're not nominated for Best Picture.

Rey: Oh. Did you think we would be nominated for Best Picture?

Luke: We were critically acclaimed, Rey!!! (showing her their Rotten Tomatoes critic score, which is 91%) Critically acclaimed!!!

Rey: (looking at the audience score, which is 48%) Yes, but the-.

Luke: The critics ALWAYS like what everyone likes!

Rey: (putting away a poster for The Greatest Showman) I don't think that's true.

Luke: How are we not Best Picture?! It makes no sense!

Rey: Well, what about Best Actor?

Luke: No, and I gave the best performance I've ever given! I was acting so hard I became one with The Force, Rey!

Rey: Oh, is that what happened there? Best Director?

Luke: Nope.

Rey: Best Actress?

Luke: Sorry.

Rey: Awe... What about Music?

Luke: Well duh, obviously!

Kylo Ren: Hello, everyone.

Rey: Ben, did you hear about The Nominations?

Kylo Ren: Yes, and I'm furious! I blew everyone's mind by taking out The Supreme Leader a whole movie ahead of schedule, but Daniel Day Lewis makes a bunch of dresses (Phantom Thread) and everyone wants to suddenly throw trophies at his feet! AGAIN!

Rey: Settle down, Ben. The Nominees can't be the bad. I heard The Shape Of Water was Lovely.

Luke: The one where a woman falls in love with a sea creature? We have that!

Cue flashback of Luke with those monsters that he gets green milk from.

Luke: I LOVE MY MILK SIRENS!

Cut back to present.

Rey: Perhaps a little too much. What about The Post or Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri? Brave women rising up against authority, risking it all.

Luke: HELLO!!! We have ALL of those things!

Rey: Okay fine, but you have to admit Commissioner Gordon was fantastic in Darkest Hour.

Kylo Ren: "Oooh, look at me! I put on a fat suit! I'm soooooo impressive! Can I please have an award?!"

Rey: You're being so childish, kind of like Lady Bird. You know immature, ungrateful, doesn't want to be called by her given name. At least she changed.

Kylo Ren: Kylo IS my name!

Rey: Speaking of names, Call Me By Your Name? Awakening desires.

Snoke's upper torso appears, floating and alive.

Snoke: I tried awakening desires between you two.

Kylo Ren: Get out of here, Snoke Torso!

Rey: Yeah, we could be related!

Snoke: (floating away) You're not going to be related! #ReyLo Forever!

Rey: Anyways, you had to have liked Dunkirk at least.

Luke: Is that the one with soldiers on the beach while Hans Zimmer falls asleep on an organ?

Rey: Hans Zimmer was nominated for that score.

Luke: OH MY GOSH, DID EVERYONE START TAKING DEATH STICKS?!

Kylo Ren: WE HAD SOLDIERS!

Luke and Kylo Ren: AND JOHN FREAKING WILLIAMS!!!

Rey: It's visually stunning!

Luke: WHAT DO YOU THINK SALT TURNING RED DURING BATTLE IS?!?!

Kylo Ren: FREAKIN' AWESOME!

Luke: THAT'S RIGHT IT IS!

Kylo Ren: ALL THESE NOMINEES ARE A JOKE!

Luke: YEAH THEY ARE! Y'know, I did like Get Out though.

Kylo Ren: Oh yeah, actually me too.

Rey: Really?

Kylo Ren: Well, it's actually the only one I saw.

Luke: Yeah, me too, and it was seriously scary.

Finn: Yeah, you're telling me.

Luke: Anyways, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Kylo Ren: We made more money than all these guys in one weekend!

Luke: WHY CAN'T WE EVER BE ACKNOWLEDGED?!

C-3PO: (opening an Oscars envelope) Master Luke! Did you hear the wonderful news?! The Last Jedi has been nominated for FOUR awards! Music, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, and Visual Effects!

Luke and Kylo Ren leave in a huff. Rey leaves after a beat.

Kylo Ren: Well, obviously!

Luke: Of course we are! That happens every time!

Kylo Ren: We have lightsabers!

C-3PO: Oh.

THE BEST PICTURE SUMMARY 2018

Cut to later. C-3PO is pretending to be The Oscars Award Statue.

Luke: (walking by) I'm sorry, It's just not the same.

The End.