How X-Men First Class Should Have Ended



TBA

Transcript
(We begin with Charles getting paralysed)

Charles (falling in slow-mo) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Moira: (holding Charles) Charles! I'm sorry! I'm- I'm so sorry!

Erik: Their society won't accept us. We form our own. The Humans have played their hand. Now we get ready to play ours. Who's with me?

(Shaw's minions start to walk over)

Erik: No, actually not you. Nobody likes you. I meant the team of winners over there.

(The X-Men just stare at Erik)

Hank: We aren't going with you!

Erik: Why not?

Hank: Because Charles has just been shot!

Charles: Can someone take me to a hospital? I think I may have been paralysed.

Erik: Charles, this is important. Just wait a minute. So that's a no? None of you want to come with me?

Raven: I'll go with you.

(Hank raises an eyebrow)

Raven: I mean I grew up with Charles and he's pretty much my only family but yeah. I'll abandon him right now as he lays shot in the sand.

Charles: Thanks, Raven.

Erik: Sweet.

Banshee: Why is this even happening?! We just went through all this trouble to defeat Shaw and now you suddenly want to be just like him!

Erik: Choose your side!

X-Men: NO!

Charles: Okay, Erik's right. We should all join him.

Erik: Really?!

Charles: Yep. Come on, everyone. Let's go with Erik.

Erik: That's great! We're gonna be such a good team! It's gonna be Mutant Power to the-! Wait a minute, are you just saying that so that we can leave but you really aren't gonna join me at all?

Charles: Yes.

Erik: COME ON, MAN! Okay, only say you're with me if you really mean it! Okay? No take-backs because this is it, Brothers and Sisters. It has to be today, on this beach in Cuba, with Russia and US waging war upon us, with Charles laying paralysed in the sand. Okay? Who's with me?

Hank: Or we could just not use our powers for evil!

Havok: Yeah, people might even appreciate having us around!

Erik: That will never happen! Stop talking crazy!

Moira: Magneto, you are wearing the helmet of the man who murdered your mother!

Erik: This helmet is fabulous! Don't make war!

Banshee: Why didn't you just kill Shaw when you were, like, ten years old?!

(Everyone starts arguing until... )

Charles: ENOUGH!

(Charles freezes everyone bar Erik. He takes control of Azazel who lifts him)

Erik: Charles, what's going on? What are you doing?

Charles/Azazel: I've been shot, you selfish a-hole.

They teleport, stranding everyone else)

Erik: Well great. Now how are we supposed to get home?

(Cut to a hospital room where the nurse from The Dark Knight HISHE is working until Azazel shows up with Charles)

Nurse: (terrified and leaving) OH LORD, THE DEVIL IS DROPPING OFF PEOPLE IN THE E.R.!

(Cut to Present Day in The Super Cafe. Charles and Erik are playing Chess)

Professor X: So now I'm in a wheelchair and Magneto and I are old friends that still play Chess together from time to time but we're also kind of mortal enemies.

Batman: Mortal... frenemies?

Magneto: And sometimes we play Chess with real peoples lives in the balance.

Superman: That doesn't seen like it would help your cause at all.

Professor X: Well, take it up with this guy.

Magneto: Mutants are the future!

Professor X: We can live in peace!

Magneto: No we can not! (leaves)

Professor X: OH MY GOSH, WE HAVE BEEN ARGUING ABOUT THIS FOR NEARLY FIFTY YEARS! (leaves)

Superman: Wow. X-Men are stubborn.

Batman: Tell me about it.

The end.

(Cut back to Cuba)

Raven: And Beast. Mutant and proud.

Hank: You can transform into any person you like, I have blue hair all over my body. What you say means nothing to me.

(YouTube Outro. Wolverine is smoking and drinking)

Batman: Hey, this is where you say "Thanks for watching, be sure to subscribe." Y'know? "Watch some other videos." Click the Like button-."

Wolverine: (after stabbing the Subscribe Button) No.

Batman: Okay.

Emma Frost: (walking by) Hey, boys.

Batman: (going after Emma) Heeey, I'm Batman. You wanna know my secret identity?

Emma Frost: You're Bruce Wayne?

Batman: Dang. Forgot you read minds.

Emma Frost: Your breath smells like coffee.