How Spider-Man: Far From Home Should Have Ended

Transcript
We open with Tony finishing his work on the EDITH Glasses. https://youtu.be/49CmxQjVG8Q SOMETIME BEFORE INFINITY WAR

Tony: Okay. Finally done equipping my glasses with access to all my state of the art technology for Peter in case I die. Now to just write some vague instructions to turn them on and give them to Nick Fury, who will hopefully just hand them to Peter one day.

Cue the arrival of...

Scientist 3 From Previous HISHE Episodes: Here's a bright idea. How about you DON'T give military grade death drone controlling 80's glasses to an easily influenced hormonal teenager just because he has a foxy aunt.

Tony: Oh dang, you're right! [offering them to Rhodey] Here you go, Rhodey.

Cue MCU inspired HISHE Logo, which is revealed to be a hologram projected by The EDITH Drones while the Whitney Houston singer sings in the background.

Singer: 🎵And I...... Will try not to forget you! OOooooooooOOooooooooooooo! I mean, come on, let's be realistic! Things change after time! Oh yeah! Ooooh but you were the best! When you were around....🎵

a HISHE written by the fans

We cut to Betty Brant and and Jason Ionello hosting The Midtown News report at the beginning of the movie, paying tribute to The Avengers that died in Infinity War and Endgame

Betty: Gone but not forgotten. Five years ago, half of the world blipped out of existence but thanks to the acts of these mighty heroes those who were blipped away were saved.

Jason: Well, everyone who wasn't on an airplane.

Cut briefly to people coming back from The Snap... only to begin to fall towards the ground.

Jason: Or on a boat.

Cut briefly to people coming back from The Snap... only to fall into the ocean.

Jason: Or people in high traffic areas.

Betty: Okay, I think they get it!

Fast forward to Peter and Mysterio talking before they take on The Fire Elemental.

Peter: It's really nice to have someone to talk about this superhero stuff.

Mysterio: Anytime.

Peter: Thanks.

Peter tries to place his hand on Mysterio's shoulder... only for it to go through Beck's entire body, revealing that he's a hologram.

Peter: What the?

Mysterio: Uh oh!

Peter: Why are you a ghost?

Mysterio: Welp, gotta go! [floats up towards the sky while remaining seated] Byyyyyyyeee!

Fast forward to the fight with The Fire Elemental.

Mysterio: You're up, kid!

Spider-Man: Alright, Fire, try this on for size!

Spider-Man uses a water hose... and the water goes through The Fire Eemental, revealing that it is a hologram made by drones.

Spider-Man: What the heck? What is happening here?

Fire Elemental: Welp, gotta go! [floats up towards the sky] Byyyyyyyyyeeeeee!

We cut to "Fury" and "Hill" in their control room.

"Nick Fury": Now that is some bull crap.

"Maria Hill": Fury wouldn't say crap.

"Nick Fury": DANG IT, GIRL, YOU GONNA GIVE ME AWAY!

Fast forward to the London Bridge fight. Peter has run out of webs.

Spider-Man: Oh man, I'm out of webs. I really wish there was a multiverse.

???: Well, lucky for you, there is!

Cue the arrival of *sigh* Tobey Maguire Spider-Man.

Spider-Man: WHAT?! Who are you?!

Raimiverse Spider-Man: We call it The Spider-Verse but yeah, the multiverse is totally a thing. Hi, I'm Spider-Man.

Spider-Man: Whoa!

Cue the arrival of Andrew Garfield Spider-Man.

Amazing Spider-Man: And I'm The Amazing Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: Awesome! What makes you so amazing?

Amazing Spider-Man: I... I can ride a skateboard...

Spider-Man: [skeptical] Okay...

Cue the arrival of Miles Morales, Peter B. Parker, Spider-Gwen, Spider-Man Noir, Peni Parker, and Spider-Ham from Into The Spider-Verse.

Spider-Ham: And we're all here too!

Miles Morales: Hey.

Spider-Man: AWESOME! LET'S DO THIS! [walks away, then comes back] Does anyone have any extra webs?

Cue everyone fighting the drones.

Spider-Man: WOOHOO, BAM! [destroys a drone]

Peter B. Parker: HA HA! [destrys two drones]

Spider-Gwen: What's up, drone?! [kicks a drone]

Spider-Ham: This little piggy went SMASH! [smashes a drone with a mallet]

Peni yells random Japanese words while fighting four drones while piloting SP/DR.

Spider-Man Noir: [shooting drones with his gun] Pew! Pew! Pew!

Miles Morales: You ever hear of the shoulder touch?! [shocks a drone with his venom blast]

Maguire Spidey hangs upsidedown and kisses a drone and Amazing Spider-Man smashes it while riding his skateboard. After the fight, we witness Mysterio "dying". Everyone stands over the "dead" villain.

Spider-Man: EDITH, is this real?

EDITH: All illusions are terminated, Peter.

Peter B. Parker: Are we sure about that?

Spider-Ham: [pulling out a stick from nowhere] I say we poke him with a stick!

Mysterio: [after getting poked] Ow, stop! I'm dead!

Raimiverse Spider-Man: Yeah, he's not dead.

Spider-Man: Dang it, EDITH!

We fast forward to "Fury" about to be killed by a drone.

"Nick Fury": You got me?

Cut to "Hill" on the roof with a bazooka.

"Maria Hill": I got you.

"Hill" shoots and destroys the drone.

"Nick Fury": HOLY CRAP! That was close! Well, at least I didn't die.

Cue eight more drones arriving to finish the job, causing "Fury" to drop his disguise and reveal that he was Talos the whole time.

Talos: OH NO, THERE'S MORE!!! [gets shot to death] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

We fast forward to Peter getting the glasses back from a "dying" Mysterio.

Spider-Man: EDITH, terminate all the drones!

EDITH: I'm sorry. I can't do that, Peter.

Spider-Man: What? Why?

EDITH: You have not been granted control from Quentin Beck.

Mysterio: Sorry, pal.

Spider-Man: What-? OH MY GOSH! [gets shot to death by the drones] AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

We cut to later in The Villain Pub. Everyone except Joker is giving Mysterio a death glare.

Mysterio: So the drones got him, which was kind of sad. But now I can continue to manipulate the masses because I'm a master illusionist.

Loki: Oh, you think you're a master of illusion? Hahaha, don't make me laugh! You're a rip-off of Syndrome, at best!

Syndrome: Exactly! Hey, Bubble Boy, why don't you take a seat next to "The Mandarin" over there and come back WHEN YOU'RE DONE COPYING ME!

Mysterio: I'm not copying you! If anything, you copied me!

Syndrome: You wish!

Mysterio: Pfft, you guys are just jealous because everyone finds me the most attractive.

Everyone starts laughing at that accusation.

Voldemort: That's not true.

General Zod: Yeah, what about Killmonger? I mean me!

Voldemort: I am obviously the most attractive.

Palpatine: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! [looking at the audience] I'm preparing for my return.

Joker leans on Mysterio's shoulder, making the illusionist uncomfortable.

Joker: [referencing Brokeback Mountain] I wish I could quit you.

But this is how it really should have ended...

We cut to Peter beginning to transfer EDITH to Mysterio at the bar after the defeat of The Fire Elemental.

Spider-Man: EDITH?

EDITH: Yes, Peter?

Spider-Man: I'd like to transfer control to Quentin Beck.

EDITH: [scanning Mysterio] Quentin Beck, former Stark employee.

Spider-Man: What?

EDITH: Developed hologram projection technology and was fired for being unstable.

Spider-Man: Are you serious?

EDITH: [scanning the bar and detects two drones] Multiple hologram drones detected. [scanning the barkeep a.k.a. the guy Iron Monger yelled at in the first Iron Man movie] Former Stark employee.

Mysterio: Is there something wrong?

EDITH: Do you still wish to transfer control, Peter?

Spider-Man: NO! Cancel that request, EDITH!

Mysterio: [dropping the facade] GIVE ME THOSE GLASSES!

Mysterio tries to take them but Peter grabs Mysterio's arm.

Spider-Man: Hey, do you have super strength? Because I do!

Peter webs up the drones, disabling the bar hologram.

Mysterio: My drones!

Peter webs up the guy from Iron Man 1.

Mysterio: My guy!

Peter webs up another drone.

Mysterio: My plan!

We cut to later in The Super Cafe. MJ is there as well as Peter.

Spider-Man: After that, Nick Fury took Mysterio and his gang away, I made out with MJ for a bit, and I told her my secret identity.

Superman & Batman: WHAT?!

Superman: DUDE!

Batman: You can't give away your secret identity!

EDITH: Peter, Mr. Stark would want you to say, "Well, I did and I'm awesome so in your face".

Spider-Man: Not now, EDITH. What's the big deal? I thought you told girls your secret identity all the time.

Batman: Of course I do! Do you know why? [dramatic pause for two seconds] Because I'm an adult and I can handle it. You're just a kid.

MJ: He didn't tell me. It was actually pretty obvious. Honestly, I'm embarrassed the whole class hasn't figured it out by now. You're, like, always missing when Spider-Man is around, and you both sound exactly the same.

Spider-Man: [embarrassed] That's not obvious. We don't sound the same.

Batman: Does anyone else know your secret identity?

Spider-Man: Not really. Just a few people like Aunt May... and Ned... and Happy... and Nick Fury... and Maria Hill... and Doctor Strange... and, well actually, all of The Avengers know but they're all good guys.

Superman: And that's it?

Spider-Man: I guess I did tell Mysterio my name... and I hung out with him in what I thought was a public bar... without my mask on.

MJ: I'm pretty sure The Vulture knows your name too, and he's still alive.

Spider-Man: Hehehe...

Superman: Yeah, you're screwed.

Spider-Man: No, you guys are being paranoid. I've got this under control.

We cut to everyone's favourite moment from the film: J. Jonah Jameson's cameo in the mid credits scene, ready to reveal Peter's identity to everyone in Times Square and the world.

J. Jonah Jameson: But that's not all, Folks! Here's the real blockbuster! Brace yourselves, you might wanna sit down.

Mysterio: Spider-Man's real name is...

Spider-Man: *GASP* EDITH, DISRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION!

EDITH: Of course, Peter.

Mysterio: Spider-Man's name is-.

EDITH: J.J. JAMESON.

J. Jonah Jameson: WHAT?! THAT'S NOT TRUE! I'M J.J. JAMESON! I'm not Spider-Man! Spider-Man is-!

EDITH: BEING FRAMED BY MYSTERIO.

J. Jonah Jameson: WHAT IS HAPPENING, PEOPLE?! Look, here's his photo! The real Spider-Man is-.

EDITH: INNOCENT! AND A TRUE HERO.

J. Jonah Jameson: YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!

Spider-Man: Whew.

How Spider-Man: Far From Home Should Have Ended

After the credits, we cut back to The Super Cafe. Batman and Superman reveal that they were Skrulls the whole time and Skrull Batman gets his phone to talk to Batman.

Batman: Hey, what's up?

Skrull Batman: Hey, just calling to check in. So, I think it went well. They don't seem to suspect anything.

Batman: Did you say "Because I'm Batman"?

Skrull Batman: No.

Batman: You gotta say "Because I'm Batman"!

Skrull Batman: Why?

Batman: BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!

Skrull Batman: I'm sorry, the oppurtunity didn't present itself.

Batman: I seriously doubt that.

Skrull Batman: Well, I don't know what to do. They're all gone now.

Batman: Just don't forget next time!

As Batman hangs up, we cut to him and Superman at "the beach" relaxing on deck chairs.

Batman: Do you think we should head back?

Superman: No, they got this.

Batman: You don't think that will create confusion? Make people question who's real or not?

Superman: No.

Batman: Or how long they've been Skrulls?

Superman: No.

Batman: You don't think sending Skrulls in our stead makes it look like we didn't care about helping Spider-Man deal with his problems on Earth?

Nick Fury walks in and disables the beach hologram on this holodeck, revealing that they are all on the headquarters for SWORD.

Nick Fury: YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY SPACE VACATION!

Batman: WHERE THE HECK ARE THE AVENGERS?!?!

The end.